Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Why is it so easy to fail somebody and so hard to do the bare minimum? This is me, depressed for no good reason, whining about no apparent or glaring issue. Maybe it's just the hall thing, you know, makes people down somehow. I'm actually at home right, and all feels fine, except maybe when we talk about school stuff, people or even hall. I don't even know why. This sucks.

It's just this whole abandonment issue has been constantly taking its toll on me. No matter how much I explain to others, nobody fully understand. Guess they had never really been abandoned by anyone. I have, and this huge gap that was left behind, makes me extra touchy about the topic. And when people don't understand, they will judge. I don't even blame them, because I am trying to learn not to depend on anyone for anything.

Oh so you think I think too much about the separation? Can't help if I feel that we are going to get left behind. Nobody talks about the things they don't want to talk about, this is why I HATE talking about it. This is weird. When I feel like I am finally enjoying the game, I suddenly want time-out.

Sometimes I feel that it's so unfair. Why can't I be independent like Chiteng, like be so disciplined on my own without much difficulty. If it is so, I wouldn't need anybody, I wouldn't even care if anybody needs me. I just do what I have to do and I get things done and I would be right/correct. Wouldn't I? For a start, I wouldn't asked anyone to go dental with me, point to note, more like beg rather than ask. Pathetic and I hate it.

I just wish when I wake up tomorrow I will feel like me again. And not this nonsensical person who has to rant to let it out. I pray hard that tomorrow will be a good, good day. At least dear ol' lp is going to the dentist with me despite her bloody eyes. I don't want to compare man, I hate it.

Suddenly I see, how things unfold around me. Sometimes we forgot that we can inflict this much pain in somebody else's life without even knowing. A simple sentence with no intention to kill, could be such malice and trauma to another. It is easy to point the arrow at who, but could there be a chance that she doesnt even know the magnitude of the impact of her words? If God would take away our ability to hurt someone....wait, we would somehow still hurt them anyway. If it is not words, it would be actions. And it would be so many things, we can't even keep track of the tools we use unknowingly.

I.... want the weekends to come. I want to spend my whole day in church, spend my time with people that are really kind. I would do anything, go for service, go for cell, hang out in the office/atrium. I would even clean the floor if they need me to. At least I feel protected, and I won't feel abandoned. This is why things can't never be wrong being in the house of God.

But I can't always get what I want right? Heh. Please be my light, I think I am losing my way again soon.