Friday, March 31, 2006

All it took was a fall to wake me up.

I was just trotting home after meeting leepeng and chiteng today. Stepped out of the mrt station and saw my bus approaching the bus stop opposite from where I was. I concurred that that should be the last bus considering the late hours so I thought I should run, run and catch the bus I told myself.

Great move. run and fall on my face more likely. It only took me two steps to send myself sprawling on the floor and a scraped right knee was the prize for my agility.

But this fall seems a tad different.

I fell and God asked me, 'Why are you in a rush to get up?'
I thought God was being funny but I explained anyway,'Because I look ridiculous sitting in the middle of the road and whining?!'
'I only wanted you to give me time to help you up, that's all.'

Two guys in front of me turned back after I fell with a thud(I think because I was listening to my ipod and didn't hear a thud). They looked quite stunned. I guess they were either a) stunned and going to start laughing soon or b) stunned and they are going to help me up. But I gave them neither choices, I picked myself up and started to walk normally. Of course I was just putting up a front because a scraped knee hurts like mad and I wanted to yank my hair out of my head.

I tried to recall when was the last time I had a fall.
I was just boasting to Sean that I am not that clumsy a few days ago and I was being honest. It has been ages since I last fell down. And thinking back, whenever I fell down, the first thing I will do is to get up, (pretend to) look okay and proceed on. I hadn't even allow myself the liberty to be truthful about the pain. I only knew that I had to stand up immediately, look cool and walk away.

I don't know if it's pride or whether it's escapism. Or rather, the inability to feel the need to feel.
When bad things happen, I always rant about not knowing what to feel, not understanding the right kind of expression I should have. I mean it is kind of true, I really don't know what to feel!

But maybe.. just maybe I refuse to feel the hurt or I think I just ought to hang my head high no matter what happen. Geez, I don't know man. However I am beginning to get something out of this fall. I think it's high time to stop complaining that I don't know what/how to feel. When in pain, I should whine about the pain, when in delight, I should admit. To put it simply, confess the hurt and profess the joy. I suppose the next time when I fall( literally or not), I should allow myself time to wince about the pain on the floor before picking myself up. Never mind the weird/shocked/kind stares from the passerby. The wound should heal faster this way.

Today's sermon by Elder Freddy is so apt. It's about the book of 2Corinthians. He said that God will use those that will admit that they are weak. The fragile clay vessel and the treasure within. In the light of my weakness, His power will be made perfect. I concluded that is what I have been lacking all these while, and I allowed my pride to get the better of me. So today I confessed. I am clumsy, weak and pretty useless. Hahaha. But, BUT! I can do great things through Christ who strengthens me. Say Amen to that!

I believed I should know what to feel next time. I hope so. haha.
Yes.. this scraped knee is indeed worth the pain. And my God is not sadistic, He didn't make me fall and sustained injury just so to teach me something. I wore my thickest jeans and thank God it was only a scraped knee, NOT a bleeding knee. My fall was cushioned :)

And OH, oh. I still caught my bus in the end despite the fall.
See, His power made perfect.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Jung Test Results
Introverted (I) 73.91% Extroverted (E) 26.09%
Sensing (S) 57.58% Intuitive (N) 42.42%
Feeling (F) 58.54% Thinking (T) 41.46%
Judging (J) 63.89% Perceiving (P) 36.11%
Your type is: ISFJ

huh.. I insist that I am more thinking than feeling I don't care!
and I'm introverted, lol, can you believe it? Alright alright, stop shaking your head, leepeng, it's going to drop off soon.

right.

I like flowers.suddenly.

On the account that my dog doesn't really like plants and the fact that allergy to certain pollen is something I can't quite control, I used to ignore their existence.
However after watching the TVB show, Love Bond, I am very interested in flowers! All kinds of flowers! They keep mentioning about flowers and what they actually mean, it got me quite amazed.

Flowers have a language of their own. Different kinds of flowers tell different story, varying the amount of flowers dictate various meaning.. and colours! Colours paint the sky beautiful again. Isn't it astonishing that a plant can express so many thoughts? They are silent yet their message is strong. Prehaps the finer things in life are those that words can't express. We all know that Rose represent Love, but do you know that different coloured rose connotes different thing? White roses signify a love that is pure and true while red roses convey a love that is passionate and inseperable. Call me slow or what but yes, I am indeed very enthralled, this new language that I have just learn.

I should give my friends yellow roses, they meant friendship.

Now that I am drawn to flowers, Nature intrigues me. I should begin to forsake the well-structured environment that I am attracted to, and start embracing things like plants and insects. haha. Change is good, really, I am beginning to accept that(nick is so right). I realised that flowers actually make me very comfortable.You see, you have this thing(flower) here that is an expression of thoughts from someone that matters. It doesn't even have to be your boyfriend, a good friend could do the job. And isn't if just amazing? It doesn't talk and disturb you but it just can speaks a thousand words. I guess that would be an incredible feeling :)

When you learn to see things from a different perspective, you sometimes felt like you have just been enlightened. I get that feeling sometimes and I will imagine a lightbulb twinkling over my head. My point here is not that flowers are nice, flowers are beautiful that's all. I recalled receiving flowers when I had my pneumonia(yucks). Flowers then, didn't matter to me, I can't even recollect where those flowers end up. So now when I think back I kind of have compuctions for not appreciating the flowers and efforts. I didn't even hear what the flowers had to say to me. Yet now I know, I am able to discern, the simplicity in God's every creation(in this case, flower), and the joy in celebrating the flower's worth.

Now, isn't that the other side of the coin? ha.

Interesting show don't you think so? Tvb drama never seems to fail. :)
zhen1 de2 shi4 xin1 hua1 fang1 !

http://www.didyouknow.cd/flowers.htm for more flowers :)

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Time passes so quickly sometimes until it is quite hard to keep track of what you have been doing. I really want to thank God that it is monday but I realise I need a lot of grace to be truly genuine about that. Haha well you can't really blame me. I'm at work, grouchy and sleepy. To those who are not working, keep the smirks to yourself. :P

Anyway, the past few days were spent at home, hidden in my room, watching DVDs and being away from reality. I love Hong Kong dramas so much that even I, get amazed at myself sometimes. My friends find my fascination for Hong Kong shows very fascinating indeed. I can't explain what draws me to them(ya larh besides the handsome guys I mean), except that when I watches them I don't have to care what happen in the real world. I guess it is a kind of escapism theory that applies to me in the context of TVB shows. But whatever the reason/benefit, I really truly enjoy watching them. :) Like totally!(you get my point eh)

Had cell on sunday and it was really awesome. The kids were naughty but the kids were great. We had fun playing whacko and they actually sang quite long during worship because the other cell group was very distracting. I don't know whether they are just playing or what but I know God heard them :) After cell group, we spent quite some time talking about naruto. I tell you the other joy of watching anime and TVB show is that you actually can find someone that can talk to you about it.(the first joy is being able to escape, if you remember. haha) So was talking to shuying, Josiah, etc about the Naruto. Turn out that shuying is another Sasuke fan, oh yeah!

Then went to have lunch at Mac with Thaddeus and Gabriel, met Kai Teck and the Lim brothers.. So it was like a mini cell outing and it was really fun just listening and talking to the kids. I went home to watch more DVD. hah!

Anyway, I didnt want to do this, but.. BUT so many of you are asking me what present I want for my birthday, so I thought I should do some serious thinking about it since you guys are so sincere(yeah right, haha) In case some of you suddenly have head concussion or anmesia, I can just remind you that it is on the sixth of april. Hahaha. Don't try to fake ah...
What I need only God can give but I want.. hehheh.

Wishlist
1. an ibook(okay nobody will get me this I just wrote it down for fun)
2. an idog(chit and lp, you know what to do right..)
3. an ipod earphone(mine is old and dirty already)
4. david and goliath goodbye kitty tee
5. tvb dramas
6. a watch
7. tvb dramas
8. the-you-know-who(chit only you can help me with this, haha!)
9. a pair of levi jeans will be good..
10. maybe a PSP will be fun...

HAIYA, all dreaming la I know. Considering my friends are those who are not willing to spend money on my birthday presents(sad I know but it's the truth), just let me dream will you.. BAH. haha I still reserved the right to dream alright.

Goodnight, I am tired. :(

Monday, March 20, 2006

The weekends were great.

I took time off on Saturday to spend quality time with people that matters. It was really good ol' fun, we trotting down to Van's house, all geared up to bake a birthday cake for our dear Michelle.

You know this thing they say, about the process being more important than the result? Well, they are so right! We had in mind an Oreo Cheesecake and a brownie and during the baking, we did an Oreo Cheesecake and a brownie. When it came to the end, we had an Oreo (messy+spongy)Cheesecake and a brownie. As you can see, we didn't quite planned for the messy and spongy part.

Peishan was our main Chef, I hope that did make her a little bit happier despite the cake not quite turning out to what she wanted. Because I know Peishan has this little fantansy of being a great chef and wearing a super tall chef hat. So she was there, giving our orders and the rest of us frenzied around, doing different things. In the end she realised that she had nothing to do(because we did everything) except the challenging(read: dangerous and nobody-wants-to-do) job of putting the ingredients into the hot oven and taking the cake out. Poor ps -_-"

We were fooling around in the kitchen and did I tell you that Van's house is like a supermarket? There is so much food that I told Peishan I can stay in this house for a month without starving to death. It was simply great. We sat around, talked nonsense, watched NBA match.. and erm, the rest I couldn't quite remember because I fell asleep on the sofa. haha.

Do you know that you can't tell a prankster just by looking at her face? To be more specific, you have to refer back to her casenote and the doctor's dianogsis. Okay pardon me but I have been in the hospital for 3 months already. What I meant was to tell whether a person is a potential prankster or not, you will have to refer back to her history and any friend's warning.

Why did I suddenly go into that? While I was innocently sitting on Van's sofa, watching NBA, somebody passed me a little toy pig and told me it is something fun. I looked at the person's face, sincere and earnest so I thought, hey why not it should be something fun right. Banking on my trust for her, she asked me to press a silver button on my pig, insisting that something will shoot out from the pig's nose. So I stupidly(and half asleep) did as was told.

.... Thanks to Jasmin SIAO. I got the shock of my life! It seems that the pig is able to electrocute the person pressing it midly. Don't ask me how it works, the toy belongs to Van. So when I got the shock and flung the pig away, the evil Jasmin collapsed into fits of laughter and delight. -_-" Once a prankster, always a prankster. I should have seen it coming! haha but I did kind of beat her up after that so yeah, we are quits.

After the great time at Van's house, we went to cityhall to meet shumin, xintian, cindy, chiteng and mindy. It was an awesome feeling, everyone being present for the outing. We ate at Glutton Square, talked about the past, happiness and unhappiness. When they say there are some things in life that money can't buy(think the credit card advertisement), I get the excatly same feeling when I am with the team.

As I think back to our time in NJ canoeing, the flashbacks are so real to me that it seems almost like a movie. A random yet focused movie about canoeing, the team, and everything intangible. There is this advertisement recently about joining the Navy or Army and they kept asking 'If your life is a movie, would it be a good movie?'. I guess mine would, because of all my teammates that are in it, the colours they splashed on my life, spiced things up. It would be a pretty good movie, really.

Peishan would be black because black is the balance, black is control and black is essential. Michelle would be white, because white is purity and white is serenity. Chiteng would be the red, because red is love and red is passion. Vanessa will be the silver, because silver is unique and silver is irreplaceable. Cindy would be the green, because green is mellow and green is good for me. Rachel would be maroon, because maroon is sensibility and maroon is different. Mindy will be yellow, because yellow is bright and yellow brings joy. Xintian would be purple, because purple is cool and purple is special. Shumin would be blue, because blue is sincere and blue is truthful. Jasmin would be orange, because orange is zest and orange is explosive(haha). Leepeng would be pink I guess, because pink is innocence and pink is bimbotic.

I love my team! :)

On a side note, Blue note(no pun intended) was a tad disappointing that night. The ambiance was a let-down due to a band that was not quite up to mark and a few jokers who were trying to murder us by smoking continuously. The worse thing was my drink sucks. I mean it really sucks. :( I hope the next time I go, things will be better.

I shall end a long post with a brief goodbye. haha
Shitsureeshimasu!

When a part of you dies, what can you do about it?

A part of you that dies is not like a cell/skin tissue that have regenerative ability. And in my opinion, even if you do have the capability, the regeneration process is going to take eons.

Many parts of me died just not long ago. It was as if you are losing grip of yourself and with everything is just not right, however hard you try. You could have a great day at work, a fantastic dinner to follow but at the end of the day, you knew you were lacking something that you couldn't quite explain.
You intentionally avoid the things that you once loved. Simply because you were not yourself anymore. It was so tiring, more of emotionally rather than physically and there seems to be no end.

No more soccer matches or the mimicking of the players.
No more bengawan solo pineapple tarts.
No more Swensens Ice Cream.
No more, not anymore.

I hate to dwell in self-pity because I know indulgence is always bad. So one day I decided all these have to stop and I tried to find myself back my way. Yes, I am strong, I thought and no matter how bad the circumstance I should be able to pick myself up.

Bad move. Trying to rely on my own strength just makes me realise how weak I am and everything doesn't seem to improve. I guess anyone that tries to achieve something without God is like a plant trying to survive without water. Or better, a plant that is trying to make food without sunlight. Okay you bio students, better don't come in and try to correct my facts, you know I am making an analogy here. hahaha. But yeah, when you do something and lack the essentials, you are setting yourself up for failure.

I am still trying to find the parts of me back, it is taking longer than I thought it would be. I have given up trying to do it on my own, because I know I can't.

So wouldn't You bring me to the secret place?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

You know msn nicks can be so interesting?

People can have long nick that doesn't make sense and relatively short nick that... well, still doesn't make sense. I guess msn nicks all should have a touch of ambiguity to make them intriguing. You could type it any way you want it to be, could be an emotion you are feeling, could be a love you are expressing, or it could be just totally random. Generally, the msn nicks I see on my list are more informative and broadcasting. Like , "Who wants to buy a new handphone?", "Who wants to find a job?" or "I am angry today don't talk to me!"

Allow me to digress, I actually do find the last declaration the most interesting one among the rest. When you put something like I am angry please do not talk to me, I don't know what you are trying to achieve eh. If you do not want to talk, don't go online lahhh. I suspect anyone who put that as a msn nick is actually wanting conversation from their friends. You know, the reverse psychology thing usually works, hahah. When I see nicks like that on my list, I can't help but to click on them and start conversing.

But anyway, I like to have lyrics from songs I'm listening to as my msn nick. Not long ago, I was playing Lifehouse's Breathing on playback mode because the song is so nice! So I took my favourite line from the song,'Even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me', and used it as my msn nick. I thought it was pretty cool because I can relate it back to the song. However I started getting weird questions from my friends, most think that I'm in love and they keep asking me who I was refering to -_-"

haha I didn't expect such a funny response from the crowd! Some thought it was a declaration to the one I love and others thought I had quarrelled with the one I love. But sorry to crush their imagination, I do not have a one I love and even if I have and we quarrel, if he doesn't want to speak to me, he will get it from me. Hahahaha :) So I had to explain to them that it is a lyrics from a song by Lifehouse. Some decided to be funny and refuted me, I had to send them the song in order to fully convince them -_-"

Then just a few days ago, I was spinning Hanson's Love Song and a line from the lyrics caught my attention. It goes, 'When you loved wrong, doesn't mean love's gone'. I thought it was a pretty interesting line so I used it for my msn nick. This time, I have people responding to this nick again. Ms Lim offered to finish up for the sentence for me. She said something like 'When you loved wrong and trusted the wrong person the pain is worse than cancer'. haha she is so cute larhhhh.

I guess everyone has different views.

When you loved wrong, _________________.

Fill in the blanks people, allow your imagination to flow :)

I went for training today only to be hit by the horror of my atrocious water fitness.
I mean seriously, k2 with a junior, how bad can it get! Now I am tired, my arms ached and I actually got sun burnt. -_-"

That aside, I went back to MacRitchie and was amazed that every little thing reminds me of so many things. The shed, smelly, dirty shed on the top where we stuff all our boats and bags. How we hid inside it when it rains. The debrief, long, educational debrief by Mr Yong at the end of every training. How I tried to keep awake everytime when I was drowsy and how Peishan will wake me up everytime I fail to succeed. hah. :)

AND! K1s! My k1. I went back to see that my dear darling k1 boat is still plastered with the names of the people I wrote during Nationals last year. I wrote down the girl's team name and mr yong's name. I still rememebered. It is kind of faded now though, as if to signify that things will slowly fade away whether you like it or not. Anyway, I was just glad to see my k1, row it and feel good. :)

It is not that I want to be sentimental, to be always looking back and wanting familiarity. I just respond exceptionally slow to changes inside and it makes it so difficult to make certain decision at times. I have been talking to people, and many are keen on going overseas to study. Many have went(like my dear charlene) and many are going to go.

It is times like that that I feel my heart sink a little. I want to congratulate them for having the resources to pursue a degree overseas and I do think it is fun and interesting to be entering into a new study environment. As much as I reject changes, I cannot change the fact that education here sometimes get too demanding and unbearable so overseas can be good. However it is just like telling me, 'more foreign element left now, familiar faces are going, more are going.' haha now I actually do think that I sound like I crave security.

No I am very much fine on my own. haha. I also want to go overseas now. To where Charlene is will be good. :) Got her there to make me insane but to keep me sane too. I like the paradoxical effect she has on me, can never be replaced ! But aiya no money so I better don't dream any further already. haha.

Anyway I tried to submit my university application today. Finished ntu but holding on to nus's application. It is too complicating for me but whatever it is I just want God, Your will to do be done. If it is anything another than that, I do not want.

On a side note, I am finding it increasingly easy to save money now :D Shumin are you proud of me! I haven't taken a cab in I don't know how long already. In case you are not aware, after reflecting on my spendthrift ways of the past, I have decided to give myself a challenge. Not because I like the sound of it but because I really meant to save some cash. Temptations are easier to ignore now, thank God, cabs no longer seemed THAT welcoming and nice anymore.

But I am still depressed that I gave up Jason Mraz concert because I was saving money. I really wanted to go. Not a mega big fan of the chap but a big-enough-to-want-to-go-his-concert fan. I hate to give up good music. :(

However I manage not to spend a single cent today after going training, eating lunch and singing kbox with Leepeng :) Impressive huh.. Leepeng is rich so she decided to treat me to Kbox(maybe because I gave her a nice bag or because I know her dirty little secret..hahah) and we ate lunch in school for free! The juniors were having camp and the cai fun uncle offered us leftover from their lunch. The leftover is very nice, reminds me of days where me and michelle eat cai fun everyday(due to the fact that we DON'T really have a choice when the Yong Tau Foo auntie went missing). She will have more rice with vegetables(yucks) piled on top and maybe a piece of lean meat or something. I will have my chicken meat, egg and more meat with a bowl of nice soup to share with michelle. :)

Happy days, I still remember.
I still remember.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

They say there will always be a first time.

So this is it. No grand opening nor amplified announcement.

I hope I wouldn't start ranting in this space because I find ranting online a tad troublesome. I would rather say it out LOUD. Anyway time do not permit me to write anymore, I am right now expecting the arrival of a VFP.

-_-"

A very fat person/a very funny person/a very fupid person(okay, no such word but it's supposed to mean stupid, get my point?) That friend of mine falls under both category, you decide what you want to call her. ya la.. Yew Leepeng is coming to my house for a stayover. She insisted on me picking her up from my house bus stop because she claimed that she is scared.

Why did I used the word 'claimed'? This is because anyone who knows her understand the universal fact that if there is anyone who wish to kidnap/rob/harm her, they most probably wouldnt succeed. You can ask shumin. I mean seriously, with a rowing machine record of 395 Watts, who will dare to do anything to her!?!?

Isn't it queer that people are always scared of things that never will happen? You are afraid of insects like cockroaches and lizards even if you are more capable of killing them than the other way round. That is just like saying, ' I fear that I may choke on my tofu. '

Okay not many right-minded people will say that but it was just an analogy. Cockroaches aren't tofu.. and tofu don't look like roaches.. but my point is that why do we constantly fear things, why are we constantly on guard? Is it not God we trust but ourselves? Being on your guard is always a good thing, it stops you from taking things from granted. However is being on guard/wary/alert wise? If it is wisdom, why do we feel even more insecure after being on guard? If it is not wisdom, then is it a good thing for us?

Can precaution not be exaggerated? When we are wary, we tend to form senarios in our mind. It is like being wary while walking home in the dark. When we remind ourselves that robbers/perverts may be lurking around and it's best to be cautious, we subconciously form this image of a pervertic robber lurking around the lift lobby of our flat. When our thoughts translate into images in our mind it creates a more real concept that impacts us more deeply. This real concept can make us panic, scare and more wary.

So, if precaution brings fear, is it good? Can we stop precaution into escalating into fear?

When should we let go and let God.?

Alright.. Leepeng is coming. :)