Monday, January 29, 2007

I want to understand fully, what it means when I say I want to walk with You everyday of my life. In the good and the strife.

So it's off to a road of discovery again. (:

Sunday, January 28, 2007

And so everyone has a thing for you.

How hard is it to get that part?

Sometimes when you feel that nobody understand you(which I tend to feel pretty often), always take heart that the Father does.

Your light will shine when all else fails. And a moment of grace is all I need. When its in You that I have found the strength, to stand up and be strong.

So I'll walk with You.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I like watching Friends. It is like if no one stops me, I could go on forever. It cracks me up, a lot. And it got my roommate frowning at my supposedly irritating laughter. I tried so hard to stop myself from slapping the table while watching when she was asleep. It got me quite high, and quite happy. (:

So it is not just some meaningless comedy that I watch just so to feel amused, I actually quite like the heart-warming(and humorous) scenes. There was this particular episode that I really liked. Not because of the gorgeous cast but because of the story, and the lovely togetherness of the characters. We watched many shows, where either romance or thrillers steal the show. But for Friends, well, it was what the title suggested, the friendships they shared. Those kind that you thank God for and those kind you know is for a lifetime.

Back to the episode. Ross and Rachel's daughter Emma is celebrating her 1st birthday and they wanted the rest to be there for the party. Monica and Chandler wanted time alone to themselves, both Joey and Phoebe had work to complete. But Ross and Rachel insisted that they must be present and after some persuasions, the other 4 relented. Something caught up in the middle of the show that resulted in Ross and Rachel leaving baby Emma in the care of the other four. Monica and Chandler were getting impatient, they really wanted to go. Phoebe and Joey couldn't stay long either, Phoebe had a client waiting for her and Joey needed to get back to shooting his show.

After a round of debate, Monica and Chandler were forced to stay back and babysit Emma. That was when the heartwarming scene started. Monica arranged Emma's soft toy from the biggest to the smallest(OCPD) and the both of them were just playing with Emma. Suddenly Phoebe came back and told them she kind of drugged her client because she felt bad for not being here. She wanted to be at the birthday party. Shortly after Joey rushed back too, for the same reason. When Ross and Rachel came back, everyone gathered and they had such a good time spending time together.

I really liked it. The way the four of them chose not to abandon their friends. Abandonment doesn't sit well with me and I was glad the characters chose to turn back. Is it supposed to be like this? You contemplate of abandoning your friend, but turn back in the end because she is your friend. You thought you had more important things to do(like work) but you realized that nothing is more important than being there for your friends. And nothing is more important than doing the things that means a whole world for your friends. Like how Phoebe and Joey came back to stand by Ross and Rachel, well actually Emma but the link was there. Phoebe and Joey may not be your kind of smart 'friend' but they sure do understand how to be a friend. Friends..hmmm.

Why can't you be like them?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I am beginning to feel that maybe things are looking up, and thank God for it. So good things like company, they come on a roll. Although many would argue that it is the same for bad things.

Friday
A queer training session cannot be written off as bad, even if you beg to differ. But me and Joanne went off and had our weekly friday 'fellowship' anyway. The curry was bad, remind me to never even think about having it again.

Saturday
L-cell was good, service even better. Then it was cell. First, proper cell with the RGS girls and I am already beginning to like them already. I tried to be the best I could be on that night, in any sense, and they reciprocated my efforts with warm responses and kind gestures. For once, I am reminded of the joy of leading a cell with attentive and witty girls. And you can hardly blame me for needed to be reminded, I was used to shouting out my words with the p6ers. I had to be louder than them so they would listen. Don't even get me wrong, they were an absolute joy to be with. Just that it depends a lot on your very own definition of joy. :P

I liked the cell session, how God was among our midst. And I am dreaming of big dreams, planning things that I never previously had the confidence to. I would love for things to go uphill for us now, my only prayer being that God would be the engineer behind everything and anything. I want to do this well, because I know those sheep matter to God.

Sunday
Sunday has got to be the highlight of my week! I am beaming and grinning like a silly fool as I recounted what went on on Sunday. It was a day for celebration. 3 Birthdays that I want to honour, and all the satisfaction was like such a surprise bonus.

I went out with leepeng to Food Republic to spring my aunt a (not really)surprise visit. She, my favourite aunt, and seeing her makes me happy somehow. Then we went off to Marina and got our haircuts. After getting my mum's present, it was birthday celebration for her. And it went really good, she was really happy. I hope she liked my gift, though I know she will wear it even if she doesn't like it. Suddenly I felt that I have done a right thing and I felt that I was glad. I dont really know how to articulate what I felt at that time but it was good.

So after dinner with my mum and her church friends, I rushed over to Marina Bay to meet the rest. We were going to celebrate Sean and Persis's birthdays. Both are good friends of mine and I was looking forward to spending time with the church peeps. After losing my way(for the 2nd time of the day), I found the steamboat place. Too full to eat, I just sat down and listen to Sam Yuan's jokes. I looked on as Crystal brutally murdered the live prawns. And I got amused as she explained that we should dip the prawn's head into the boiling soup to 'kill the brain' first. -_-"

I switched table because I wanted coke. Then we started cooking lots of prawns. The happier thing being that I ate many many many prawns without having to peel any one of them. How nice of Ben. The only thing was that I had to be his maid for a while because we agreed that peeling prawns is such a treacherous task. The soccer people came shortly and I started to talk more. They insisted that me and zx shouldn't sit together, because we will start discussing about school work. It is funny because we just had to talk about it, and I don't even feel sad talking about it. Then I disturbed ernie by giving him MAJOR spoilers about Prison Break. Poor him, I think he really wanted to box me. About the spoiler part, my bad. :p An Arsenal vs. Man U debate soon begun shortly and it was even more fun when we josh one another.

I got a free ride home, and everything felt really good.

Although things started to go a little downhill from there(with Man U losing the match, almost like a bad sign), I thank God for all these joy, fun and occasional pain. I want to smile.
And I hope You smile with me too. (:

I suddenly miss.... people.

Is this what listening to Jay Chou's sad songs in the middle of night does to you? If it really is then I must stop.
Hahahaha. :P

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Why is it so easy to fail somebody and so hard to do the bare minimum? This is me, depressed for no good reason, whining about no apparent or glaring issue. Maybe it's just the hall thing, you know, makes people down somehow. I'm actually at home right, and all feels fine, except maybe when we talk about school stuff, people or even hall. I don't even know why. This sucks.

It's just this whole abandonment issue has been constantly taking its toll on me. No matter how much I explain to others, nobody fully understand. Guess they had never really been abandoned by anyone. I have, and this huge gap that was left behind, makes me extra touchy about the topic. And when people don't understand, they will judge. I don't even blame them, because I am trying to learn not to depend on anyone for anything.

Oh so you think I think too much about the separation? Can't help if I feel that we are going to get left behind. Nobody talks about the things they don't want to talk about, this is why I HATE talking about it. This is weird. When I feel like I am finally enjoying the game, I suddenly want time-out.

Sometimes I feel that it's so unfair. Why can't I be independent like Chiteng, like be so disciplined on my own without much difficulty. If it is so, I wouldn't need anybody, I wouldn't even care if anybody needs me. I just do what I have to do and I get things done and I would be right/correct. Wouldn't I? For a start, I wouldn't asked anyone to go dental with me, point to note, more like beg rather than ask. Pathetic and I hate it.

I just wish when I wake up tomorrow I will feel like me again. And not this nonsensical person who has to rant to let it out. I pray hard that tomorrow will be a good, good day. At least dear ol' lp is going to the dentist with me despite her bloody eyes. I don't want to compare man, I hate it.

Suddenly I see, how things unfold around me. Sometimes we forgot that we can inflict this much pain in somebody else's life without even knowing. A simple sentence with no intention to kill, could be such malice and trauma to another. It is easy to point the arrow at who, but could there be a chance that she doesnt even know the magnitude of the impact of her words? If God would take away our ability to hurt someone....wait, we would somehow still hurt them anyway. If it is not words, it would be actions. And it would be so many things, we can't even keep track of the tools we use unknowingly.

I.... want the weekends to come. I want to spend my whole day in church, spend my time with people that are really kind. I would do anything, go for service, go for cell, hang out in the office/atrium. I would even clean the floor if they need me to. At least I feel protected, and I won't feel abandoned. This is why things can't never be wrong being in the house of God.

But I can't always get what I want right? Heh. Please be my light, I think I am losing my way again soon.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Good things are worth the wait. How true is that? The latest episode of Grey’s is by far one of the best in this season. After a long, close to a month wait, the new Grey’s return with a bang, leaving you with much anticipation for the upcoming episode.

Remember before the break, things were kind of on a bad note for everyone. Burke and Christina; George and all his crushing situations. However, ‘Six Days’ started off oddly chirpy and cute. And as the show cruises along, it got me laughing at a lot of parts. The producers threw in dancey and happy songs, coupled with hilarious dialogue and funny scenes. An absolute enjoyment to watch, and very interesting to say the least.

Burke and Christina’s cold war became laughable when they started conversing through a third person. Christina, though visibly concerned with his hand, refuses to give in and speak to him. She kept getting various innocent individuals to question Burke about his tremors. And the way Burke coolly shakes everything off makes it extra funny, him being irritatingly sarcastic and childish. No wonder Addison told him that he’s pathetic.

Even things were looking a bit up for George during the episode. His dad’s heart surgery was successful and he kind of made up with Callie. They doing the funny ‘uh-huh’ dance in the room when they were assured by the pee that Mr. O’Mailey’s kidneys aren’t failing. And George’s two brothers looking on in bewilderment at the both. George is finally smiling!

And in this episode, we see a little more of Izzie. About her $8.7 million cheque and her pleas with Bailey to scrub in with her patient’s surgery. It was cute seeing her and George/Bailey having a debate about the money. Even funnier when she finally took the cheque to the bank to have it deposited. Not before she wailed and brawled (to the shock of the banker), and eventually snapped at the banker to deposit the cheque. I hope she is ready to move on.

Derek and Meredith had some hilarious scenes here. He finds her snoring a tad too hard to sleep with and she doesn’t know why he always will wake up before her. Basically still basking in happiness. I laughed when she realized Derek slept on George’s bed because he couldn’t handle the snoring. And I laughed even harder when she discovered that Derek always sleeps on the couch (when they are in Meredith’s house), set the alarm and climb back into bed to her before she wakes up. And if they are over at Derek’s trailer, he sneaks out to sleep on some hammock outside the trailer. Haha! Meredith told him she is a girl with abandonment issues and she wants him to sleep with her and not off onto some hammock.

So just as I thought that how sweet and funny this episode is, the writers slowly pull us back to reality. Kind of mean and hard to swallow but very true and real. Things start to go down a bit, for everyone. The episode ended with most of them either hanging their heads, having a distant look in their eyes or a face that seems to reel from pain. Seems like it aint so bright and shiny anymore? After the laughs, the characters once again seemed weighed down by the situations in their lives.

George needed his two roommates to hold his hands as he worried about his dad. Multi-organ failure doesn’t sound that nice a condition to be anticipating. The cancer has spread, and the surgery might be too extensive for him. Now George isn’t smiling anymore.

Burke and Christina stared at each other in silence. They really do have a queer relationship.

Bailey hung her head while the Chief looked on, worried about George’s dad and wondering if they had made the right choice to remove the tumor though it is dangerous.

The smug and cocky Mark for once looked defeated; he looked as if he needed some assurance. Addison told him she is sorry that he is hurting. He shot back that he wonders if she is sorry that HE is hurting or she is just sorry before walking away. Reeling from pain doesn’t seem like something that will come from him. And for this very once, I feel sorry for him.

Meredith is rattled, about her dad’s appearance in the hospital with his other family. In him she saw abandonment. And that feeling just kept coming stronger every time she met him. Lucky for her, at least Derek was there for her.

Oh, I predict things will get awkward for Alex and Addison in coming episodes. They have a thing for each other. And I salute Alex for ruining Mark’s morning by messing up his coffee. The only reason why he did that was to get back at Mark for being rude to Addison. I always suspect Alex has a sweet sensitive side that will be very charming. I also liked the scene that had both of them in individual lifts, thinking about what could happen in the nursery if the nurse didn’t walked in.

I can’t wait for next Thursday to come!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

They say when you grow up you are able to take more things on your own. Why does it seem the reverse for me? After everything and anything, I still wish for picture perfect. There is an overwhelming need to confront, but for once holding back seems to be a more suitable course.

Then I found out that for most of us, it is easier to be wrong than to be right. Ironic isn’t it? This natural inclination we have, despite knowing what is the correct thing to do. I wonder if the part where we try damn hard to be righteous and proper is what being a human is all about. Struggling. I don’t know.

And oh, don’t we all love the chase? When it is all so wrong but it feels all damn right at the same time. The taunting is almost unbearable, and I see the need to fall. The need to stray and the need for something new. When we finally succumb, will the outcome be what we really wished for? Or do we realize that resisting the fall and being tormented is what we should have done anyway. If life will stop being irritating, maybe people could be really happy. If life is hard, we can get over it; if life is smooth, we can appreciate it. It is when it gets neither here nor there that we don’t know if we should find faults with things, or be contented with second best.

Irritating ain’t it? And I hate it when I think. I hate to have questions that no one has answers to. Maybe some do, but they can’t share. Sharing would means revealing a part of themselves that they have always hide.

I need to understand why you do the things you do. If not I might judge and that would be wrong.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Blogger seems to be having a little mini-crisis of its own. At least to me.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

School is starting and I know it's time to work extra hard. I just feel sad in many ways. I can't stay at home and I can't have the whole day to slack and do the things I want. No cable! That would be hard :(

I have to say goodbye to Oprah Primetime, One Tree Hill, Desperate Housewives, Friends, According to Jim, Hope and Faith, The King of Queens and my CSI trio.

Boohoohoo :(

Friday, January 05, 2007

You don't know how angry it feels to watch a player dive during the match until you see it for yourself. Now I know why they criticise Christiano Ronaldo like mad. Funny that it became diving because I was darn sure I was watching a hockey match. *shrugs* Don't say I am mean because I know I am (:

Okay relax, no extreme feelings. Everything is sweet and fine so far. Heh.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy 2007. Goodbye 2006.

I am trying to sound excited.