Saturday, November 25, 2006

Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave
And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love, how deep is your love
I really mean to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour
You're my savior when I fall
And you may not think that I care for you
When you know down inside that I really do
And it's me you need to show


I remember how we used to always sing this, one of the many things that binds.

I leave each exam hall like I have just been in trauma. After this exam period I think I might jolly well have PTSD. Sighpie.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I was walking in a car park and a car doing a reverse nearly knocked me down. You know there are times when I hate it when I false start, too quick to react for my own good they say. Today I count my blessing that I was able to dodge this van that was trying to accelerate my citizenship in heaven.

So there I was, arms full of food and everything, getting a rude shock when the van came too close for comfort. I quickly moved away and I find it hard to tell you how angry I was after walking away. I mean Hello! Are you trying to kill me or something? Then after a while, in the process of curbing my own fury undesirable anger, I realized that the driver most probably didn't intend to murder me. I mean, I don't know him and he doesn't look like he's crazy. I most probably was in a blind spot that he couldn't spot me, so he did his reverse anyway.

So now we are on this topic of blind spot (partially inspire by GA's latest episode and my little 'run-in' with the van today). We all have our blind spot, figuratively and literally. Every normal eye has a scotoma in its field of vision, usually termed its blind spot. The presence of this normal scotoma does not intrude into consciousness because it is very small, but it is there. Don’t understand? For those Naruto fans, you should know that Neji/Hinata’s byakugan has a blind spot too. The only place where they can’t see even with their elevated vision. And figuratively, there are things or areas in our lives that we choose to ignore. Point to note though blind spots does not equate to soft spots. What’s yours?

Alright, enough of blind spots. Not exactly my choice of topic suddenly(yes I am fickle), am more inclined to speak a bit about disappointments. I was just talking to people about results and disappointments. I think a lot of times when people let us down, we feel miserable. We wonder why it has to be this way. But what is worse than being disappointed is being the disappointment. Some of us go very hard on ourselves for that.

I can’t recall the number of times I know I have been a disappointment. To everyone, anyone, especially God. I don’t know how many times I know people are waiting for me to apologize but I choose to keep quiet. Or the times when I had the ability to make things better I choose to protect myself. Many things could have just been brighter, easier and shinier, I just can’t seem to shake this off me, can’t seem to convince myself that I should do so much more.

After a while, I figure it is really very hard to live by principles. It’s not that I don’t want to be right I just need to be more hardworking. Sometimes I do wonder why some things that seem exceedingly easy for one can look so bad on me. Then after a while more I stop trying to prevent myself from being a disappointment. I stop thinking about disappointment. I figure that maybe some things can really be shelved away. Like maybe everything can be on a lighter note if I want them to, and so far, it works.

Don’t worry, I don’t have any issues. Okay, back to energy balance :)
The music is really good now.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Insomnia is what you really dont want to get in the middle of the exam period. My brain just seem unable to shut down. If I sleep I get long, complex and complicated dream, a good sign that parts of the brain aren't resting when I am. If I dont sleep, well, I simply get insomnia. Which is bad, really bad.

Anyway, just to recall a certain funny conversation I had with silin just now. She is super funny, one person that cracks me up without even trying to most of the times. We were talking about our lecturers(no prize for guessing why we came to that) and the way we address them. It went something like that:

Chiteng: We address them by their full name. Like Wu 'Guohua' that kind.
Me: Really? Ha we talk about them using their name.
Silin: Wah, use their names ah, like their friends like that.
Me: Ya cause they address each other by their names to us anyway. Timothy always say like 'I don't know how William does it...'. He calls my the other lecturer William. So we follow lo.
Silin: Mine is the best, we are more endearing. I call Liu Chuan Fa(her lecturer), 'Ah Fa GE'. More cool right!

Ha seriously, it came to me as rather hilarious. Ha (:

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Remember how i use to comment that i wonder why God gives those nobel laureates all the brains to discover so many things? I think im on this today again, after all the physical chem equations that i have to shove down my throat. I got a few crazy ideas! Haha must be all the studying. You see, all the names of the scientists and their prized equations and theories just make me so confused! I wish for simpler names of equations(simpler equations if possible) so i wont have a hard time thinking who came up with what so as to not use the wrong equations.

Maybe should just let smarties with short first name invent the equations.
Eg. the CHAN's(chiteng) Law: blah + blah / blah equals to blahblahblah
Wah you see the CHAN part is easier to remember as compared to Raoult's Law. I cant even spell w/o referring to my text.

Next, shouldn't let partners work together and come up with something together
I know the sharing and working hand-in-hand thing is really nice but not so nice when it comes to the name. See now we refer the DNA structure to the Watson-Crick structure. It's like such a big hassle? Ha should just give the ingenious ideas to one guy and period.
Example of messy long names of equations:

Debye-Huckel Equation, Clausius-Clapeyron equation(personally dislike this the most)

Lastly, no german/dutch/hard-to-pronouce-or-spell scientists coming out with equations that i have to memorise
I cant memorise without really verbalising, i cant verbalise without knowing how to pronouce the name.
Eg van't hoff equation

Hahah i am too demanding i think. Really shouldn't be here. bye!!!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Ah, let me steal some time to blog. This is not neccessary but i think i want to do this, before hitting Physical Chemistry.

We have come a long way in our path of taking examinations. How we do not have to study in primary school to study in secondary school to study super hard in junior college. My grades seem to be dipping in an uncomfortable fashion when it shouldn't. Then again, grades aside, the process of studying for exams is never easy. Having to sit for an exam takes away the joy in learning the subject because we do it as it is conditional. But having the exam is essential in many sense, in this elite system we practise where many fell victim to.

Primary school was really great, minimal amount of hitting the books. Secondary was alright, memorising and doing, just need to put in the effort. Junior college was bearable, studying and not getting the results became a norm after a while. Then your expectations start to relax, you stop being THIS hard on yourself(you realise you cant be getting 90/100 for everything). Then when you come uni, you learn to stop whining about having not enough time to revise. You learn to prioritize everything and you learn to maximise whatever you have to the fullest. So education is a learning process, a progressive and hard journey when a lot of times you fumble against your wish. Many a times, the fumble could cost you unimaginable consequences, but you move and roll along anyway.

This is absolutely random. Then again beside studying, there leaves many situations for you to deal with. Sometimes I look around and I see many vicious situations that are just waiting to eat me up. Okay to make it less scary, I see many quicksands that are wanting to swallow me up and sometimes I really just want to stop struggling and go with it. Go with the wrongs and go with the easy. And these are the times when God tightens His hold on me. So many situations, so many underserving treatments. Sometimes there is like this balloon within me that is waiting to burst, waiting to cause damage. The next thing I know God takes it and deflate it gently. Like how He always does.

And this sweet amazing grace showed me more than anything else could ever did. Even though the world says NO I know God says OK. And I know I'm a bad person, but yet He kept me away from the potential damage that could do more wrong to me than right. The only reason why I want to be better is because Jesus inspires me to. Now that Christmas is coming, I hope He gives those who are struggling, a better reason to believe than what the world can offer.

On a lighter note, study hard ntu peeps. A week more to go before we can smile in the face of everyone whos exams just started. Now that's evil so do it to your friends only, in case your actions infuriates strangers who might just beat you up. Hang in there! When exams is over, I can think of so many other things to do. Hahh. (:

Seriously, I mean seriously kids, go play somewhere else okay.
Go play in those blogs with glittery stars and cutesy forever friends bears and what have you. This is not a playground, it's dull, it's boring and most importantly ITS GROWN UP. (: So shoo, go click on somebody(or some blog in this sense) your own mentality to dabble with. I know PSLE is over and you are oh-so-bored at home, why don't you pick an encyclopedia and start reading from A? You know, kind of help with the too much time to spare and too du** to do anything else problem you have.

kids.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Seriously, what were you doing when you were a p6?

Were you like so consumed by the electronic age that everything you do has got to be cyber-ly related? Nothing wrong with jumping on the bandwagon but you know, we shouldn't waste our time doing moronic things.

Okay seriously I know my name is nice but if you like to tag on the damn tagboard use your own name instead of mine. Because when I was a p6 I remembered I wanted nothing more than to be just myself. You know the whole self-sufficient and feeling pretty much secured thing help a lot. If you need help in those areas, find an adult to talk to alright? We adults are very patient people(that is if you stop using my name).

So, stop doing stupid things, try your best to grow up and remember that I for once, do not tag at any p6er's tagboard. Nothing wrong with you guys or what, it is just that I find it utterly disturbing to visit a blog with very invasive music(against my choice) blasting at me suddenly. Don't you just find that very irritating or is it just a grown-up thing?

*roll eyes*

This is me being nice already. Sarcasm was played down by so much because I have such high tolerance for cute little kids. And oh if you are the bugger that just love me so much to leave the 70 spamming tags, so sorry if you can't spam anymore. Your ip is just kind of banned you see, I have very low tolerance for *ahem*, I so don't want to use the word 'stupidity'.

Oops, I think I just did. Sorry, my bad. Bye for now.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Different people have different thresholds for various different things. One could smile in the face of ten noisy 3 years-olds and I know of someone who just will kill them if she could (I am so not talking about you Karen). It's this difference in the threshold that makes people interesting.

Individual should have a certain amount of Total Threshold. We then dispatch different level of tolerance to different kind of situations, in a sense we use accordingly to what we already have. It becomes a positional kind of relationship when increasing the amount for one leads to an inevitable decrease from another.

Don't get what I mean? Imagine a full beaker of water, let's say 250ml. Next think of several small test tubes. Filling the test tubes of water drains the main resource (beaker) and when the main resource drains out, you have to take from neighboring test tubes.

Some people have very high threshold of pain, like a very strong and fortified defense mechanism they build to keep people out. Maybe the keeping of people out is not very intentional, just that they do so without even knowing it. Then the theory makes sense, channeling this huge amount of ‘available water’ to this threshold of pain drains their other thresholds. So it’s a balancing act we must perform, in order to stop ourselves from tipping over one edge.

There are many ways to define threshold. The dictionary does so in by stating it as the point at which a stimulus is of sufficient intensity to begin to produce an effect. To me it’s more like the maximum level of tolerance for something. More simply the ability to withstand a particular condition. I guess it would be fun to understand your own thresholds, because if we bank on the thresholds we know are relatively high we should be more comfortable with what we do.

I have very high tolerance for kids (noisy or not) and almost zero tolerance for everything else. HAHA! Don’t worry that is so not true. I don’t know my own threshold; last I was told my threshold of pain is relatively low. I beg to differ though; I just don’t enjoy having needles on my feet that’s all. Alright fine, maybe I should admit I have low threshold of PHYSICAL pain. I have a high threshold of repetition I think. Is that the way it should be phrased? But anyhow, what I meant is that I can take many repetitions before I actually get bored. I can eat the same thing 7 times a week without complaint; I can watch the same show over many times. It is not so much about not wanting to change or the need to seek familiarity, but more of being alright with repetitions.

I know I cannot stand bad smell. I react strongly to smell. I know Peishan is coming because I can smell her (sweat smell or deodorant smell). Okay that just make me sound like a dog but seriously, smell does get to me. Don’t get me wrong ps! Nothing wrong with you. What draws me will be a person with a nice smell (chit you know who right!), it just seems to add some plus points about the person.

Okay, I have been pointless and I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Maybe it’s the exams stress that has induced me to rant. Good luck peeps for all the papers that have yet to come. I can’t wait for exams to be over soon. My list of What-to-do-after-exams seems to be getting longer than my notes. Bye for now!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Very, very *ahem*. Shall refrain from using the word that I really want to use. But I like (:

Hope the Medan Mission Trip Team is shining as brightly as possible for Christ now!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Been out, with an infection nontheless. The common cold decided to pay a surprise visit on sunday night and before I had a chance to react, the symptons came full-blown in less than 24 hours. Funny how a few days ago I just lamented to myself about it's been long since I fell sick. You know, you should always be careful of what you wish(I didn't wish for this though) for. My body immune system is sleeping, I concluded and this left me writhing on my bed for a couple of days.

I forgot since when did my inflammed tonsils became so hard to bear with, they just seem to get worse each time the flu came. They are threatening enough to make me drag myself to visit the medical centre soon enough to see a Doc. When the symptons come full-blown like that, I know my Dorithricin won't work already. The only course of treatment would be to get started on antibiotics. So I guess it was a good few days of Detox? I think I drank more water and ate more fruits in these few days than I ever would in one healthy month. Kind of last minute but hey, at least I tried alright.

Being sick in hall is really not as miserable as they say, maybe cause I have fantastic people around me. Joanne brought me some herbal drink that I would never touch if not for my throat. Totally not for human consumption because it is really bitter plus it stinks. Then my roomie was ever so supportive, listening to me whine and being very kind and nice. Ps! Sorry for demanding porridge and had to make you go out and buy at midnight, my bad but thanks. Think that porridge made me feel stronger! So I'm kind of well now, just couldn't talk without sounding really sexy :p

Things are a bit crashing down. With exams coming dangerously near and th preparation level still dangerous low. Still have other stuff to complete and for once in this semester, I feel irritatingly suffocated. Maybe it is the cold or whatever, can't wait for EVERYTHING to be over. Anything and everything, I really want nothing.

So.. we all need help sometimes. No matter what we are or who we are, it's impossible to be self-sufficient everytime. We need time to accept the things that God hasn't allowed us to change. We need some time alone in the situation we can't deal with. Like how time stop and everything goes in slow motion, replaying over and over again. We need that, definitely, to prepare ourselves for what's beyond this situation. And when we finally are ready to face/deal with it, we will get up and we will move on.

Christmas is coming, don't celebrate it without the birthday boy.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Sometimes I wonder if it wrong to be attracted to cynicism or anything remotely related to it. I find House interestingly captivating although his bedside manner sucks. He is a bad friend, a bad boss(in many ways actually) and a bad husband. The only thing that he is good at is Medicine. His is good at Medicine though he is mean to the whole wide world. He is good at Medicine though he is one miserable damaged doctor. He is good at Medicine, and that means he saves lives. And he sure does go all the way(sometimes the not so morally correct way) to save his patients.

They say he only save lives to feed his ego because he always know he is right no matter what others say. He treat patients like puzzles not human beings. His colleagues get a rude shock when he actually go to see the patients or express any almost non-existent concern for them. It is that bad. Haha that aside, but he is really witty and sarcastic. I do find it a bit wrong to be digging this part of him :P Check some personal favourites out:

This was when the team was treating some patient with weird infection. House think they should give the guy Inferons, a much more stronger and toxic medicine but his young doctors disagree, fearing the medicine may be too strong for the dying patient. But you know House being House have already decided Inferons was the only way to go and stupid Chase had to say something stupid.

Chase: I think we should start him on antibiotics first.
House: Yeah you might as well give him chicken soup. It is equally useless but that has chicken in it. *roll eyes*

This one was when House was talking to a patient with a neurological problem. She kind of killed her baby son without really intending it but did it because of her illness. She is refusing treatment for her condition because she think she should die for killing her own son. She was feeling super guilty and House was attempting to console her in order to get her to agree to her treatment. But his bedside manner kind of need A LOT of improvement so it went something like that:

Patient: I killed my son.
House: Oh is it my turn to say something obvious now?
Patient: I did it, I chose to do it..
House: Oh I get it. Like how diabetic people chose not to produce insulin. It's not your fault.

He is really acidic, even to his friends.

Cameron: You shouldn't do that, it is not right.
House: I am morally bankrupt. Sue me.

Friend: And I thought you mellowed down after all these time.
House: And you are an idiot.

Haha, love it man. House is abit more exciting than Grey's I think. Its alot about the Medicine and mystery. Grey's has more insights about why people do the things they do, and Grey's doesnt have a lot of weird cases to deal with. But I think I have been watching too much Medical drama. When I attempt to sit down and watch Numb3rs just now(which is not a medical drama), I keep thinking somebody is gonna faint in the first 5mins of the show. Maybe start bleeding or have seizure or something, because that has been how Grey's(sometimes) and House(all the time) kick off the show.

Fun. Good fun. ha.

Friday, November 03, 2006

You know when I usually compliment people, it always mean two things.
1. I am really complimenting the person.
2. I am really being sarcastic.

Usually it is the first and I try to not do the latter as often as I would like to. So now I am telling you that I find my senior Joanne very funny. And trust me, this is not the latter. People that know her will tell you that, if they don’t, they are lying. Ask Elaine, I am sure she can list out all the funny things that Joanne does. But according to Joanne, she obviously doesn’t find her behavior/personality funny. I mean which self-respecting human being will classify themselves under the funny category. However, she also forgotten that human beings are very capable of self-denial.

Before we go into the details, we should first define funny. Funny as in the Ha-ha-light-hearted sense, not in the bad way I mean. So it REALLY is a compliment. And sometimes I think it is a talent, or a gift, to be able to induce laughter in another person even without really trying. It makes people feel good, it makes people feel comfortable, and it makes it almost impossible to be miserable. I guess it’s a good thing. (:

Yesterday after training the four of us headed back to hall after dinner. While we were walking, Joanne suddenly talked about ‘Ping Pong’, which started off a whole series of unbelievable crappy talk that had the four of us laughing like mad. Seriously we laughed so hard that I am sure I am going to have appendicitis. The conversation went something like this:

Jo: I want to play ping-pong!
Me: you mean table tennis?
Jo: Also called Ping-pong what.
Me: But ping-pong sounds so. Unprofessional! Like if someone goes:’ Hey I am the ping pong captain!’ Totally not cool.

Ping-Pong was the catalyst. The alphabet P somehow causes Joanne to think of her all-time favourite song, which is a nursery rhyme I have never heard of. And when Joanne thinks of some song, she likes to verbalize her thoughts out loud. By verbalize I hope you understand that I meant singing. Have you heard of some pussycat song? No I don’t mean the Pussycat Dolls. I mean some nursery rhyme about some pussycat. Anyway it’s supposed to go something like that:

Ding Dong Bell
Pussy in the well
Who put her in?
Little Johnny put her in.

Okay I know this sound glaringly stupid but cut some slack, it’s a kids’ song. Apparently only Joanne knows how to sing it. So she, being obsessed with the alphabet P and this song, came up with a new version of the whole thing. It was ultra funny I think she is going to patent it or something.

Ping-pong Pell
Pussy in the Pell
Pho put her in?
Little pony (ps suggested PORNY! So naughty!) Put her in.

So the four of us just put each line as our msn sub nick. It is silly I know, but we really laughed and had fun. Momentarily about to forget everything that was wrong. I know this is a totally random and funny post, but thanks Joanne, for making me feel really happy last night (:

Point to note, today marks my 3rd week of limping. Anyone wants to give me a prize on that? * Mock gleefulness *