Saturday, March 31, 2007

I recalled yet another interesting conversation I had with a friend just this week. And I think I was the funny one because upon recounting the conversation, I got so tickled up. I couldn't stop laughing or smiling to myself.

Me: So what do you do? When you have all the money, looks and brains? (apparently we were talking about him)
Yuzheng: I don't know. Maybe he is a very busy man, whole day in lab that kind.
Me: *very dismayed* HUH! How can like that?!? Good looking people should not be kept in the lab, they should be let loose!!!
Yuzheng: ERMMM. Let loose sounds weird.

I must be crazy. (: Okay maybe it isnt so funny but it is very funny to me. HAHAHAHA.

Friday, March 30, 2007

..shiyun.. says:
u r like what
..shiyun.. says:
frickin 20?
what is for you was not for me. says:
dun remind me
what is for you was not for me. says:
when u knew me
what is for you was not for me. says:
i was like wad
what is for you was not for me. says:
13?!?!
what is for you was not for me. says:
yeah i was 13.
..shiyun.. says:
WAH LAUUUUUUUUUUUU

I don't know if I should look forward to my birthday. -_-"

I am old. Already.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

My favourite mistake.

It is such an irony because mistakes aren't suppose to make you feel well, so you should not have a favourite. It's not like your favourite candy or cartoon character. It shouldn't be even remotely good since there is always a price to pay for the mistakes you made. The guilt-induced days that follow, knowing you have done something you shouldn't.

Doing something you shouldn't. A shorter and more common name: mistake. And for many of us, doing something we KNOW we shouldn't. That would be our deliberate mistake. Our favourite mistake. The ones that we do have the power to change, but more than often dismiss it with a simple excuse: I can't help it.

Talking about excuses, don't we all love them? How they sometimes walk hand-in-hand with lies and denials. They are a thin line between those two, however the only conclusive thing is that none of them are good. The roots of our mistakes, the sources of the faults, usually we pinpoint everyone and everything except ourselves. No matter how sometimes we try to paint the picture nicer by claiming some ownership of the problem, we always prefer to blame others.

I was drunk(read: blame the alcohol). I was distracted(read: something made me lose my focus). I was blahblahblahblah, etc. And maybe there are times when you did try but still fail, it could be a character thing or a personality flaw, but you just truly CAN'T HELP IT. I can't help myself a lot of times. Figuratively and literally, I'll be quick to tell you I really can't help it!

It's times like these when I will say, " God I can't help it, can you help me? "

I am really quite keen to see how George and Izzie turns out, based on this grave mistake they made. Sometimes even if you just failed once, the damage is bad enough to cause a snowballed effect. Yeah I get the fact that if you failed once, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve a second chance. But because this is the world that we live in, it is hard to earn a second chance. And I disagreed that they should keep this a secret. I think that by doing so, George is just digging his own grave. Because like what Addison will tell you, " The truth always comes out. It always does. "

Then there is the bait. If he says it out, his marriage could be over. If he doesn't, he still has a chance. We always think that we could fix our own mess, that we need no protection. I am wondering how long would it takes, for each and everyone of us to learn that we couldn't. So can you still move forward, with this burden that you have to carry because of the mistake you made and never show? We were told to move forward. We were always told that. But how do you do it when the past haunts you repeatedly? And when the weight of your wrong erases all the good in your life?

I wish I will have no favourite mistake. I wish that I can be right. In a perfect world, I might achieve that. But this isn't a perfect world and life isn't perfect(I know everyone agrees with me). Grey's season three is coming to an end, and I hate the fact that I will have to live a few months without it before the new season starts. I hate it even more that they are taking Addison away because I love that character. It's hard to imagine a season 4 without her.

So good things MUST come to an end, isn't it? It is like an almost unspoken rule.

The semester is ending and when the new semester starts, it will spells new things too. The good of this semester will end, and it may never be repeated again. I hate the fact that things are going to change, but I could thank God for the fact that there was no start.

So there will be no end.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Those who had lost, appreciate more.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Why is weird people everywhere?!?! They are like, invading earth.

Scary.

To my 2 friends who are having their share of such colourful characters, good luck and I will pray for you.

*hides back into my shell and thank God*

Thursday, March 22, 2007

When the song you wanted plays on the radio, the feeling is like striking lottery.
Because you never meant for it to happen, it seems like magic when it does. (:

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Let's take a step back and examine the things in life that I thank God for.
Let's not include God and family cause they are a constant. We shall talk about the variables. I know I always complain about my gadgets, but I still thank God that they drive me crazy.

1. I love my macbook(at the apple center now) and the ipod.
2. I love the crumpler ipod pouch and would love the crumpler laptop bag more(*hint*)
3. I love the Sakae dinner with Leepeng.
4. Okay I think I should say I love Leepeng right?
5. Then of course that would follow by love declarations for Peishan and Chiteng and Joanne and Elaine and a lot of other people.
6. I love my comfy Dorothy Pekins long sleeve shirt.
7. I love 'It Ends Tonight' by All American Rejects.
8. I like to see Wentworth Miller on GAP's posters.
9. I love those nice shirts that he wears.
10.I love sitting in the middle of a noisy crowd and still find my own solitude.

This is a season to be lovey. Or lovely. Whatever. I would love a new phone. Jingen knows what I want. She should get for me, my birthday is coming. Then I go India with you la! :P
Go for June Mission Trips!! (:

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sometimes I feel like I am alone. Sometimes I feel like I dont feel like doing this but it won't be right.

I feel like, I need some grace, but no one is willing to give any. I can't even afford one slip-up.

I feel like, I need someone to tell me its okay to feel like this and I understand what the hell you are going through.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I tripped thrice today, am I going to fall soon? I blame my aching calf muscles and the big pair of slippers that I owned.

He: * Looks to the screen* Look at the number of transistors they can squeeze into the wafer these days.
The screen reads 1,000,000,000.
He: *Stares for a while* I don't know if that is 1 billion or just 100 million. Is it 1 billion? Uh no?? Just 100 million. Okay.
-insert super ultra cute sheepish smile-

Okay I hope nobody reads this post! And I bet most of you all wouldn't even see the connection between the starter and the content. Hahahaha. (:

We are all so greedy. No matter what reasons we can come up with for our greediness, it is always almost wrong to want so much more than what was already given.

We are always romping around, declaring our stand about how we want it all or nothing. I am so guilty of this that it irks me to think that I actually think the 'all or nothing' theory is justifiable. In any aspect, it is barely achievable. Because we exist not in our own in this whole universe, there are so many uncanny links to people we love and people we do not know that it is hard to isolate yourself anymore. And therefore because of these links(sometimes chains), you wouldn't go on without affecting anyone whether or not you intended to.

It is like the Variables Theory(anyhow made up by me). If one function is affected by one variable, you can integrate just with respect to that sole variable. But due to the way God made us, we must now have many many partial integrals, and have to take into the account how one variable affects the other. It makes one simple thing so darn complicated just because of the many partial integrals. Come to think about it, it is really not so hard to grasp all these.

So before you start ranting about 'what is wrong with wanting all or nothing', let me explain myself. You would think that isn't it cool to want all or nothing in the aspect of training for the sports that you are playing? I mean, that is what Mr Yong taught all of us back in NJCanoeing: to give your 100% in whatever you do. Oh wait, that isn't exactly true either because he wants ALL, and conveniently omitted the 'NOTHING' part. You are not allowed to have 'nothing'.

I digressed. It is unthinkable to be able to put in all your efforts in training(not trying to discourage 'trying' though). What about other things in your life that you have to weigh? There is school, family, church, work and so many other things waiting for your attention. We all know that we can't give our 100% for the sports, yet we still go around thinking that we could. I think it is a compensation mechanism that we practise. In thinking that we are giving 100%, we allow ourselves to live with the fact that we can't. Ironic isn't it? But I love to tell you about the ironies of Life.

Of course there are people who put in 100% efforts into the sports(and in the same time chucking other impt things aside). I mean, since when there isn't an exception to any case? But even if you are able to do it 100% mentally and emotionally, you wouldn't be able to do it physically. We are so greedy and we keep pushing our bodies to achieve the desired 'ALL' part, we forgot that some things are already more than we've bargained for. We force the physical being to do what the mind says and we damaged parts of ourselves. Then again, any good ol' njcanoeist will tell you: Oh, it's the efforts that counts.

Then if this is so, did we still achieve the 'ALL' part?

We look at relationships between people. Different relationships calls for different kinds of responsibilities and expectations. The most demanding one would definitely be that between a couple in love. Everyone wants everything of the other other half. We want to occupy most, if not all, of their emotional world. And when there is a sligh deviation from us, we go crazy thinking if he/she is cheating on us. I think this is one aspect where it will be true that most people wants the ALL or NOTHING deal. If we can't be all, we rather be nothing.

It is kind of funny because how can we expect another person to be belong entirely to us when he/she has already been linked to so many people? It is like we naively think that it is possible to be ALL when deep down we know that it takes so much more than anything to be the ALL. But don't we all wants to be the ALL? Maybe this is why people are easily miserable or depressed. We expect to be the ALL but we can't be and when we can't be, it kills us.

Okay actually at this point, I am going to stop writing about the all or nothing because I am incoherent already. I think I dint intend for this article to come out this way. But nvm, today is still a great day (: It is creepy how one person can easily light the day with a gesture that came out unintentionally adorable. Creepy because it shouldn't be this way. Still, let me enjoy this 'creepiness' while it still last.

I have a soft spot for soft toys(no pun intended!) which sucks because I don't like to have soft spots. But they just get to the inner child in me and makes me go 'Aww, aint that cute? Let's get that!' I bet my wallet is going 'AHHH! not again!'. However, being the fairly disciplined person I proclaimed to be, I make it a point not to buy soft toys often. Actually, I don'treally buy at all. Hahah.

I recalled a rather old post I have wrote some time back. Something about drowning, something about it is easier to just go down under rather than struggle to stay afloat. Like the pressure on top is higher than the pressure below... Then it spooked me because that was what happened to Meredith in Grey's! And what I said wasnt inspired by her actions because the episode only came out one year after I wrote the post. But one thing for sure, I wouldnt drown myself PHYSICALLY just because the things of this World are getting to me. I am so much more than this(or so I would like to think)! It does make a difference when you know you have a Savior that is mighty to save. (:

Bye for now!

Friday, March 09, 2007

I would like to think of myself as a fairly disciplined individual who can see the bigger picture. So I am putting on hold, all those fabulous shows that I have, so I can concentrate on my studies. This move has seen me being reduced to sitting in front of the computer and reading the damn recaps from the website.

Boohoo.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I was just watching.. and I was just thinking..

You know when bad things happen to you, people always(always!) encourage you to talk about it. They say talking about it is the first step to embracing the bad thing and therefore the road to accepting and recovery. Like talking is supposed to be theraputic, a course of treatment of some sort. I was just thinking to what extent would I agree with what they say. Should I be an advocate and goes with what the bright and shiny people say? Even though I might have another view.

No doubt it is important not to keep everything to yourself, least you explode. But I wonder at times, if there is a need to always address what hurts the most, to always poke at the wounds and scars. Alright, let's assume there is a need, somehow, somewhere, maybe timing was a factor only. To treat 'a need to talk' as an absolute truth and hence look at the variables that affects the quality of the talk. I could only come up with 'time of talk' and 'audience to talk to' as primary concerns of sharing.

So we do talk. To someone we could, or sometimes to someone we couldn't but we have to. What do you talk about? Let's introduce another variable now, 'who wants to talk'. We can break the senario further up into two case: the victim wants to talk and people who are concerned about the victim wants to talk.

Let's proceed with the first case. If the victim is keen to share about the bad thing, what is she hoping in return? Or could it be that she really just needs a listening ear? If the latter was true, then it could have meant that she believed talking helps. Is it her personality that dictated such belief? Or could it be that she thought it was so just because everyone else asked her to do so. If it is because everyone said so, then it might not have achieved the outcome she wished it would. I would rather she believes that talking help. Because if she does, it would have helped anyway, no matter how the conversation went.

What if she wanted to help cause she hoped for something in return? I would like to know what does she wants in return for. Was she hoping for the other person to share about bad experiences so she know that she is not alone in dealing with pain. Could it be that she hope to hear about how her audience has overcome all the pains and be alright? If the listener could offer personal success story, then maybe it would encourage the victim to be brave. I think the hardest would be when the victim just wants to hear things she wants to hear. I wouldn't know what to say because I wouldn't know what she wants to hear. She could wants to hear about bright and shiny stories, or she could want to hear crappy things. Would you have known?

Let's go on about people who are conerned about the victim. You may suggest talking, because you hear that it would help, but are you ready for what you are going to hear? If she spills her guts out and it becomes too much for you, how are you going to deal with it? And many times, we are only good for listening, and that would be all we can ever do. Can you deal with the helplessness that follows? If you don't believe in God and doesn't know about the miracle of Christmas, how do you hear about something bad that happened to someone you care and not feel down for not being able to help? I wouldn't know how to do it. But more than often, what we get is the concerned and wanting to help look on their faces, along with the fact that they really couldn't help much. Maybe, I was thinking that just maybe, many of us feel that listening and offering that listening ear is the best we could do to help. And maybe we are right about that.

Like in House, the raped victim has problem talking about it because no one can explain to her why would such thing happened to her. House agrees with her because he finds that talking about bad things doesn't neccessary means comfort. If she would talk about it even when she is not ready, imagine the anguish she felt when no one has the solutions to her questions. It is like adding more pain when she has already maxed out on her morphine dosage. That would have sucked, wouldn't it? Away from the show and back to real life, don't we know that a lot of times, we don't hold the answer to the question that eats us alive? Why would anyone encourage talking, when they don't have the answer to the 'why's that may come their way? I am sure it is not intentional that they want to put the victim through more distress. This, I believe in the good of concerned friends.

I think talking about bad things should only come, when the victim wants to talk about it and when the listener is ready to hear it. It should be a two-way thing, don't you think so? This is why I never like to ask 'how are you doing' to someone who has been through a rough patch. This is because I don't know if the person is ready to share or if I am ready to hear. But we all should know that not asking about the person's well-being does not equate to not caring. So we all should not ask for the sake of asking. I like the last scene when the victim finally told House that she is ready to talk about what happened to her and House replied 'I want to hear about it too'. He did well, like what Cuddy said, because he didn't push her into talking about it, partly cause he wasn't ready for it either.

NLE is this weekend. Not that anything I said before has any relation to what is to come. But maybe it's time I get ready. And you too. Let's not talk if you don't want to. God doesn't just works through words. There is so much to be done besides talking.

So I was just thinking...if you have no answer, why talk about it?

Friday, March 02, 2007

I'm tired and stressed beyond words. I'm not looking forward to monday, when my lab report is due. Not looking forward to tuesday, when two tests awaits me. Not wanting friday to come either, the 35% weightage test is something I haven't studied this recess weeek.

And when weekends come, it doesn't means more time for me. The even more daunting thing is that this weekend is more packed than the usual weekends. How am I suppose to choose, when I have too much to choose from?

Can somebody tell me why does loading rate affects the mechanical properties of material? I've been searching high and low, but all to no avail. And it somehow panicks me because I need to have the answer. I need to.

In the light of crushing pressure and deadlines to meet, I still know I am going to get past all these nonsense because God will see me through. For now, with my frustration for my lab report, it is enough to make me turn away(from the report).

So what did I do?

I erm, went to do something then I went to sleep. HAHAHAHA.

*sigh.*