Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I was just watching.. and I was just thinking..

You know when bad things happen to you, people always(always!) encourage you to talk about it. They say talking about it is the first step to embracing the bad thing and therefore the road to accepting and recovery. Like talking is supposed to be theraputic, a course of treatment of some sort. I was just thinking to what extent would I agree with what they say. Should I be an advocate and goes with what the bright and shiny people say? Even though I might have another view.

No doubt it is important not to keep everything to yourself, least you explode. But I wonder at times, if there is a need to always address what hurts the most, to always poke at the wounds and scars. Alright, let's assume there is a need, somehow, somewhere, maybe timing was a factor only. To treat 'a need to talk' as an absolute truth and hence look at the variables that affects the quality of the talk. I could only come up with 'time of talk' and 'audience to talk to' as primary concerns of sharing.

So we do talk. To someone we could, or sometimes to someone we couldn't but we have to. What do you talk about? Let's introduce another variable now, 'who wants to talk'. We can break the senario further up into two case: the victim wants to talk and people who are concerned about the victim wants to talk.

Let's proceed with the first case. If the victim is keen to share about the bad thing, what is she hoping in return? Or could it be that she really just needs a listening ear? If the latter was true, then it could have meant that she believed talking helps. Is it her personality that dictated such belief? Or could it be that she thought it was so just because everyone else asked her to do so. If it is because everyone said so, then it might not have achieved the outcome she wished it would. I would rather she believes that talking help. Because if she does, it would have helped anyway, no matter how the conversation went.

What if she wanted to help cause she hoped for something in return? I would like to know what does she wants in return for. Was she hoping for the other person to share about bad experiences so she know that she is not alone in dealing with pain. Could it be that she hope to hear about how her audience has overcome all the pains and be alright? If the listener could offer personal success story, then maybe it would encourage the victim to be brave. I think the hardest would be when the victim just wants to hear things she wants to hear. I wouldn't know what to say because I wouldn't know what she wants to hear. She could wants to hear about bright and shiny stories, or she could want to hear crappy things. Would you have known?

Let's go on about people who are conerned about the victim. You may suggest talking, because you hear that it would help, but are you ready for what you are going to hear? If she spills her guts out and it becomes too much for you, how are you going to deal with it? And many times, we are only good for listening, and that would be all we can ever do. Can you deal with the helplessness that follows? If you don't believe in God and doesn't know about the miracle of Christmas, how do you hear about something bad that happened to someone you care and not feel down for not being able to help? I wouldn't know how to do it. But more than often, what we get is the concerned and wanting to help look on their faces, along with the fact that they really couldn't help much. Maybe, I was thinking that just maybe, many of us feel that listening and offering that listening ear is the best we could do to help. And maybe we are right about that.

Like in House, the raped victim has problem talking about it because no one can explain to her why would such thing happened to her. House agrees with her because he finds that talking about bad things doesn't neccessary means comfort. If she would talk about it even when she is not ready, imagine the anguish she felt when no one has the solutions to her questions. It is like adding more pain when she has already maxed out on her morphine dosage. That would have sucked, wouldn't it? Away from the show and back to real life, don't we know that a lot of times, we don't hold the answer to the question that eats us alive? Why would anyone encourage talking, when they don't have the answer to the 'why's that may come their way? I am sure it is not intentional that they want to put the victim through more distress. This, I believe in the good of concerned friends.

I think talking about bad things should only come, when the victim wants to talk about it and when the listener is ready to hear it. It should be a two-way thing, don't you think so? This is why I never like to ask 'how are you doing' to someone who has been through a rough patch. This is because I don't know if the person is ready to share or if I am ready to hear. But we all should know that not asking about the person's well-being does not equate to not caring. So we all should not ask for the sake of asking. I like the last scene when the victim finally told House that she is ready to talk about what happened to her and House replied 'I want to hear about it too'. He did well, like what Cuddy said, because he didn't push her into talking about it, partly cause he wasn't ready for it either.

NLE is this weekend. Not that anything I said before has any relation to what is to come. But maybe it's time I get ready. And you too. Let's not talk if you don't want to. God doesn't just works through words. There is so much to be done besides talking.

So I was just thinking...if you have no answer, why talk about it?