Friday, August 18, 2006

It's a bit scary when you goes down and nobody picks you up.

Someone once pointed out to me my deadly moodswings. I didn't even realised it. I forgot since when did everything change but I know I cannot allow myself to feel too much. For anything, everything. Not trying to sound as if I have many outstanding issues in my life that I need to fret over. Just that I'm a kid who's still trying to find my way around.

I hate it when people force me to grow up. Despite any circumstance or situation that happened in my life, I need my luxury to learn. But no, they just shove everything down my throat because I'm supposed to be wise. I'm not supposed to be anything. Don't bring up the word 'suppose' please.

Anyways, moodswings are coming fiercer nowadays. They threaten me a little. But someone told me that once you are down, you can only come up. So being down is supposed to be good in a way, no? See my justification, when you are down to the pits, the only turning point will be up. Up and off you go. But if you are feeling alright, you can either go down or go up. It's so uncertain! I hate it when I cannot catch what I'm feeling( I think I said it before ). Like the uncertainty. I would like to remove it. So being down is better than being alright?

I don't know.

Burn down CBE office in SBS please(nina!). I seriously don't understand why I was put through this whole series of stupid redirecting today. I was polite I swear, every person I met I greeted them appropriately before I asked for any help. But I guess people are doing the things they do, just to serve their own purposes. This is what I concluded today. People around me. In school. In lecture. You are asking for help? Go die please, my work is more important than your lab report.

Today was not the first time I felt so.... I don't know. Cold? Not literally I meant. Hello I am a freshie with a very bad sense of direction. I don't know where the hell is this lab or where to get my lab coat. I asked you nicely for help. You told me to sit down and wait while you talk on the phone merrily to someone about your daughter's dislike for veggies. Great, you think I have 48hours a day on my hand because you apparently assumed I have time to listen to every word you mouthed to your friend. Burn the College of Engineering down(but spare the CBE building,they are near to each other).

Okay never mind that was tuesday's incident. I shall forget about it. How about today? I walked like 10mins in the SBS's building to find the place I am suppose to hand in my lab report. I knocked on the stupid lab door and no one answered me. I went to the SBS general office. Got directed to one level down. Went inside, asked politely for help in english. You looked at me for so long, then finally expressed your inability to communicate in english. Maybe you can tell me earlier next time to spare me of the agony of saying the same thing twice in different language. But it's alright, I'm good with chinese. After I said the same thing in chinese again, you kept shaking your head. What's with the motion? You told me to call my Prof because you are too KIND to help. You sat there and look at me, expecting me to understand your broken english. In the end, I couldn't even hand in my report nor reach my Prof. Nice job.

People fail you all the time. I tell that to everyone who gets disappointed by humans. I've got one friend who expressed his amazement for my love for my dog. He told me I shouldn't treat my dog better than I treat people. WHY NOT? I wanted to ask. People are only good at failing me(I don't mean all my friends), but my darling dog will never does it. So isn't it perfectly fine to view my dog of such high importance? The above mentioned two personel have every rights to fail me/not help me. I don't know them, they don't know me. It will be amazing if they actually went the extra mile to help.

But when I couldn't find anyone today during down part, I felt damn lost. Made many calls but the stupid person never pick up. Very saddening but it's alright. The thing is, I'm a people person. I feel very good around my friends. It seems that God is making me go through a lot of down periods myself now. Maybe it's because He wants me to stop holding on to some people(like my team) and look to Him fully instead. I don't know but I'm getting better at that. It worries me a little, to actually like being alone. To actually be keeping a lot of things(but I don't hide them hor shan).

I don't know what to say anymore. Ha. Enough of complaining for one post already. Shall move on to other things.

2nd week of school is.... stressful. Tutorials to be completed, lectures to be understood. I am not really learning very well in the biomolecular lectures. I can't seem to keep awake. No more michelle to help me now, I am all on my own. But so far still alright. Block dinner was interesting. The initiation part was stupid but funny. Cant believe the four of us really listen and participated in it. Talked a bit to people. But actually didn't feel like talking. Do I like to talk? I don't know. I'm supposed to be talkative. Hahaha.

Land training is interesting. Died but I like it. I like to feel.... I don't know? Gone? In the sense that totally wasted. Train until you don't have the capacity to feel anymore. I really want to run until my legs can't carry me anymore. Especially if I'm down. That's the only way to stop the fall. Tuesday that down day, was supposed to complete last week weights training. Added in the rounds to make it more tiring. I like it! A lot a lot. And I like to do it myself. When it's just me, against the elements.

Thank God that He allow me to do sports in such a funny/special way. Our God is a creative God amen!

Anyway, I kind of like the sprinting part cause it's nice. To be lining up due to various factors. It's creative. It's tiring, but it's enjoyable.

Brace yourself, the ride is on.


It's always better when we are together.