Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I don't know since when I got the bad habit of complaining about training.

Last time in nj, it was not allowed. Not allowed to comment about equipment, the sun or what you ate for breakfast. Training was straight-faced, no nonsense and highly-focused. I wonder if its the free time I have on my hand now that makes me lose my focus or its leaving nj that makes me lose my focus.

I am serious about training. But I get carried away more than often. I get irritated about the things around me. About the equipment. Goodness, that is like a taboo thing in nj, equipment was never our concern in any way. But as I reflect on why I capsized today(yes I did.), I think it's my lack of focus.

As much as I want to be very serious during training, I can 't help but digress from the course. Maybe it's the company(shiyun dun chit chat with me next time on water.) or maybe its the morning blues. I know it's just me. Me and my bad habits which I should kick. Taking a raptor for trng shouldn't be any problem. Last time in Nj you take whatever boats they throw at you. Unstable or not, it's your own business.

So I do feel quite bad after reflecting today. Quite bad for whining to shiyun about how unstable the raptor was. Feel quite bad for unable to sprint properly in the raptor. I don't really believe in the you-are-new-to-the-craft-that's-why-it's-okay-to-be-slow theory. Similarly in canoe polo I don't like it when they give me the you-are-junior-so-it's-okay thing. I don't believe in all that. Okay maybe canoe polo is REALLY very new but let's talk about the raptor for now.

The guys used to tell me that girls cannot take the k1 raptors cause blahblahblah. I don't really buy that because I believe as a k1 rower, you should be able to do it. So everytime there isnt enough boat and I have to take the raptor I am thrilled because I really like to prove them wrong. I was so eager to push last time, what happened today?

I seemed to have lost courage. In the sense of sports. I don't know if that's what God wants but I'm feeling the pain. I only seemed to have this little courage. I've used them up in ministry, there is nothing left for sports. Am I making sense? I don't know. I fear doing rolls so much that I really feel like crying. Which suprises me a lot because I have never fear something this badly before. And today I stupidly go and fear the raptor because I think I cannot handle it well. FEAR FEAR FEAR! Everything I feared! What is wrong?

I only want to have fear of the Lord. Because that will be the start of wisdom. I don't want fear for other things, especially in sports. BIG SIGH.

I see how leepeng does her rolls I hang my head in shame. She cannot do her paddle roll but she tries like mad. She don't care if she can't come out the 1st time or the 2nd time, she just keeps trying until she can't take it anymore. Me, who is suppose to be able to do the paddle roll, tries once and give up if unsuccessful. Struggle and struggle, don't even know struggle for what. I am unworthy of the blessings that God gave me.

I see how peishan row her k1 I hang my head in shame. She, because of the team, had been doing T1 for most of the time in NJ. Yet when we give her a k1, she took it with such courage and she never even care about the small little details. She just row and do what she had to do. Me, a k1 rower, takes an raptor and capsized. What a joke it is you tell me. When I capsized today, as much as I tried to hide it, I felt SUPER disappointed with myself. It's not alright to capsize. I know it's not alright. I don't have anything to offer.

This is like a low point for me. As I discovered for myself how slow I am really. Potential? Don't talk to me about potential. I don't care about potential. Everyone has potential, really. It's just how you develop your potential that makes the difference. It's hard for me actually. Some people just need pep talk when they feel discouraged. They just need assurance from their teammates. But I, not because I am self sufficient or what, needs assurance and confidence from myself and God. I need to convince myself that I can do it before I really believe that I can make it. It's not that other people's opinions are not important, it's just how I work.

I can't even feel anything from myself. I'm depending on God now. I pray that He gives me something because if He doesn't, I don't know how to motivate myself already. I just wonder how long will I allow myself to be in this low. sigh.

so let me slip away,
so let me slip away....