Friday, March 31, 2006

All it took was a fall to wake me up.

I was just trotting home after meeting leepeng and chiteng today. Stepped out of the mrt station and saw my bus approaching the bus stop opposite from where I was. I concurred that that should be the last bus considering the late hours so I thought I should run, run and catch the bus I told myself.

Great move. run and fall on my face more likely. It only took me two steps to send myself sprawling on the floor and a scraped right knee was the prize for my agility.

But this fall seems a tad different.

I fell and God asked me, 'Why are you in a rush to get up?'
I thought God was being funny but I explained anyway,'Because I look ridiculous sitting in the middle of the road and whining?!'
'I only wanted you to give me time to help you up, that's all.'

Two guys in front of me turned back after I fell with a thud(I think because I was listening to my ipod and didn't hear a thud). They looked quite stunned. I guess they were either a) stunned and going to start laughing soon or b) stunned and they are going to help me up. But I gave them neither choices, I picked myself up and started to walk normally. Of course I was just putting up a front because a scraped knee hurts like mad and I wanted to yank my hair out of my head.

I tried to recall when was the last time I had a fall.
I was just boasting to Sean that I am not that clumsy a few days ago and I was being honest. It has been ages since I last fell down. And thinking back, whenever I fell down, the first thing I will do is to get up, (pretend to) look okay and proceed on. I hadn't even allow myself the liberty to be truthful about the pain. I only knew that I had to stand up immediately, look cool and walk away.

I don't know if it's pride or whether it's escapism. Or rather, the inability to feel the need to feel.
When bad things happen, I always rant about not knowing what to feel, not understanding the right kind of expression I should have. I mean it is kind of true, I really don't know what to feel!

But maybe.. just maybe I refuse to feel the hurt or I think I just ought to hang my head high no matter what happen. Geez, I don't know man. However I am beginning to get something out of this fall. I think it's high time to stop complaining that I don't know what/how to feel. When in pain, I should whine about the pain, when in delight, I should admit. To put it simply, confess the hurt and profess the joy. I suppose the next time when I fall( literally or not), I should allow myself time to wince about the pain on the floor before picking myself up. Never mind the weird/shocked/kind stares from the passerby. The wound should heal faster this way.

Today's sermon by Elder Freddy is so apt. It's about the book of 2Corinthians. He said that God will use those that will admit that they are weak. The fragile clay vessel and the treasure within. In the light of my weakness, His power will be made perfect. I concluded that is what I have been lacking all these while, and I allowed my pride to get the better of me. So today I confessed. I am clumsy, weak and pretty useless. Hahaha. But, BUT! I can do great things through Christ who strengthens me. Say Amen to that!

I believed I should know what to feel next time. I hope so. haha.
Yes.. this scraped knee is indeed worth the pain. And my God is not sadistic, He didn't make me fall and sustained injury just so to teach me something. I wore my thickest jeans and thank God it was only a scraped knee, NOT a bleeding knee. My fall was cushioned :)

And OH, oh. I still caught my bus in the end despite the fall.
See, His power made perfect.