Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Half the time, I'm like the kid who tries to paint happy pictures for everybody.
I like to think that everyone is fine and doing great.
I like to assume that the jug of happiness is overflowing.
I believe that any form of problems actually have ways around it.
I create make-believe situations that seem nice and cherry.
Despite the freezing coldness around me, I find my warmth through friends around me.

Yet half the time I'm the kid that gets left behind in my world.
When people enters in, they laugh and they leave.
They say things and not meant them, however insignificant it may be.
Promises made that only serve them well.
They pat me on the head, treat me well but all I want is things that are real.
Who say God cannot be more real than the tangible things?

I'm not over-generalising things. Just because one person disappoint me induces this post doesnt mean that it is not true. And yet it doesnt mean that it is true either. It's just my thought, my opinion, even if I have assumed certain things, it's just me.
Im agitated today. I don't find it a good day.
I can't do my tutorials at all. I feel like throwing something but my roomie is sleeping.


I guess the only redeeming factor is that TMR will be a good day. If only I can be cold and not be affected by people around me. Then maybe everyday will be a damn good day because I do keep myself in check pretty well.




I'm a bad painter that insist too much sometimes. I should just splash the paint around, not try to dictate anything and convince myself that this is the best picture I can come out with FOR OTHERS.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Hello, so we are on this topic of making new friends huh?

Everybody is talking to me about university life. The transition period, choices to make, things to take note of. And it feels nice to know that you have been missed (:
Shows that well, your existence has been taken into consideration even if you are not around.

I know I have been complaining long enough about the lack of familiar faces in my course.Maybe it's time to do something. Haha. My dear classmate from Nj even took time to 'teach' me how to make new friends during lecture. 'Go target the loners...'
Hahaha. So cute la.

Maybe, just maybe it's time to do something about my sad circle of friends in uni. muahah. 3 weeks have gone by, I technically haven't make any new friends by my own credits. Meaning, the new people that I've known are through another mutual friend or they are very friendly. Let's try to analyse why:

1. It's my face.
2. It's my face.
3. It's STILL my face.

Grrrr. I have a not-nice face :( that's why cannot make any new friends. Boohoo. I seriously think it's my face. I really cannot recount the number of people that has commented on my dao face. It's not I want one, I promise. Hahahah. I am just damnnn shy leh. Why nobody believe me? Very saddening.

Today talked to this guy senior from cp. He was telling us that actually he finds the 3ofus(chit,me&lp) quite crappy. He thought we werent that approachable but now that he sees us talking nonsense, the perspective changes. Then he have to add in 'especially you lo huiying! you look like somebody owe you ALOT of money leh!'

-_-" wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh damn sad leh. If someone really owes me ALOT of money I don't mind that comment but nobody owes me any money lo. Not even 10cents. ):


Okay so now we have establish that the root of the problem is MY FACE. Then now it's time for solutions. And I think there can only be one: SMILE MORE. So next time you catch me smiling in a silly way around in school, don't ask me why okay. Hahahaha. I am such a friendly person lo!!! Yay! Peishan hor! She is worse than me. muahahah. But she got make new norway and french boyfriends! *mock anger* If like that I also want to play basketball everyday. Hahahah.

God bless me with friendly people please. I respond much much better to friendly people heheh (:


People do change. They have to change. Whether is it for the better or for the worse we cannot dictate. It is the circumstances that force them into it, it's inevitable sometimes. When things got to happen and you refuse to absorb only leaves you with more pain. Now you just got to tell yourself, 'Change is good, change is inevitable'.



It's a little different without you. It's always better when we were together.


Random ha.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hello I am damn bored.

Everything has been good with God around.


Just don't like the way I get reminded of people I wish to put behind.



Why won't you let me be?

Friday, August 18, 2006

It's a bit scary when you goes down and nobody picks you up.

Someone once pointed out to me my deadly moodswings. I didn't even realised it. I forgot since when did everything change but I know I cannot allow myself to feel too much. For anything, everything. Not trying to sound as if I have many outstanding issues in my life that I need to fret over. Just that I'm a kid who's still trying to find my way around.

I hate it when people force me to grow up. Despite any circumstance or situation that happened in my life, I need my luxury to learn. But no, they just shove everything down my throat because I'm supposed to be wise. I'm not supposed to be anything. Don't bring up the word 'suppose' please.

Anyways, moodswings are coming fiercer nowadays. They threaten me a little. But someone told me that once you are down, you can only come up. So being down is supposed to be good in a way, no? See my justification, when you are down to the pits, the only turning point will be up. Up and off you go. But if you are feeling alright, you can either go down or go up. It's so uncertain! I hate it when I cannot catch what I'm feeling( I think I said it before ). Like the uncertainty. I would like to remove it. So being down is better than being alright?

I don't know.

Burn down CBE office in SBS please(nina!). I seriously don't understand why I was put through this whole series of stupid redirecting today. I was polite I swear, every person I met I greeted them appropriately before I asked for any help. But I guess people are doing the things they do, just to serve their own purposes. This is what I concluded today. People around me. In school. In lecture. You are asking for help? Go die please, my work is more important than your lab report.

Today was not the first time I felt so.... I don't know. Cold? Not literally I meant. Hello I am a freshie with a very bad sense of direction. I don't know where the hell is this lab or where to get my lab coat. I asked you nicely for help. You told me to sit down and wait while you talk on the phone merrily to someone about your daughter's dislike for veggies. Great, you think I have 48hours a day on my hand because you apparently assumed I have time to listen to every word you mouthed to your friend. Burn the College of Engineering down(but spare the CBE building,they are near to each other).

Okay never mind that was tuesday's incident. I shall forget about it. How about today? I walked like 10mins in the SBS's building to find the place I am suppose to hand in my lab report. I knocked on the stupid lab door and no one answered me. I went to the SBS general office. Got directed to one level down. Went inside, asked politely for help in english. You looked at me for so long, then finally expressed your inability to communicate in english. Maybe you can tell me earlier next time to spare me of the agony of saying the same thing twice in different language. But it's alright, I'm good with chinese. After I said the same thing in chinese again, you kept shaking your head. What's with the motion? You told me to call my Prof because you are too KIND to help. You sat there and look at me, expecting me to understand your broken english. In the end, I couldn't even hand in my report nor reach my Prof. Nice job.

People fail you all the time. I tell that to everyone who gets disappointed by humans. I've got one friend who expressed his amazement for my love for my dog. He told me I shouldn't treat my dog better than I treat people. WHY NOT? I wanted to ask. People are only good at failing me(I don't mean all my friends), but my darling dog will never does it. So isn't it perfectly fine to view my dog of such high importance? The above mentioned two personel have every rights to fail me/not help me. I don't know them, they don't know me. It will be amazing if they actually went the extra mile to help.

But when I couldn't find anyone today during down part, I felt damn lost. Made many calls but the stupid person never pick up. Very saddening but it's alright. The thing is, I'm a people person. I feel very good around my friends. It seems that God is making me go through a lot of down periods myself now. Maybe it's because He wants me to stop holding on to some people(like my team) and look to Him fully instead. I don't know but I'm getting better at that. It worries me a little, to actually like being alone. To actually be keeping a lot of things(but I don't hide them hor shan).

I don't know what to say anymore. Ha. Enough of complaining for one post already. Shall move on to other things.

2nd week of school is.... stressful. Tutorials to be completed, lectures to be understood. I am not really learning very well in the biomolecular lectures. I can't seem to keep awake. No more michelle to help me now, I am all on my own. But so far still alright. Block dinner was interesting. The initiation part was stupid but funny. Cant believe the four of us really listen and participated in it. Talked a bit to people. But actually didn't feel like talking. Do I like to talk? I don't know. I'm supposed to be talkative. Hahaha.

Land training is interesting. Died but I like it. I like to feel.... I don't know? Gone? In the sense that totally wasted. Train until you don't have the capacity to feel anymore. I really want to run until my legs can't carry me anymore. Especially if I'm down. That's the only way to stop the fall. Tuesday that down day, was supposed to complete last week weights training. Added in the rounds to make it more tiring. I like it! A lot a lot. And I like to do it myself. When it's just me, against the elements.

Thank God that He allow me to do sports in such a funny/special way. Our God is a creative God amen!

Anyway, I kind of like the sprinting part cause it's nice. To be lining up due to various factors. It's creative. It's tiring, but it's enjoyable.

Brace yourself, the ride is on.


It's always better when we are together.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I would really like to run, until my legs can't carry me anymore.

I miss the tracks.




Was the past good because you were in it?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It didn't quite started out the way I wanted it to. Walked back and forth the North and South Spine in vain, searching for my lab coat. Met unhelpful people along the way. Handphone didn't have reception for most of the time because of the freaking connection problem in ntu. Was finally directed to NIE to get the stupid lab coat. In the end, nothing counts. Despite trying my best to get it, I couldn't. It was sold out.

I couldn't believe it. 1.5hours of walking and finding and I couldn't get what I need to. Had to rush back hall to change my shoes and get my lab manual. -_-"

Bad mood-ed leepeng a bit. But thank God that girl was quite forgiving. Hah.

Lab was alright. Interesting. But I was alone(despite having a VERY interesting lab partner). Alone in the sense that I felt no one was with me. I didn't know anyone there. Got lost while trying to find the stupid lab. The only redeeming factor would be that everything went on smoothly. Reaction Kinetics(eeeks)

I cant believe how a small thing can make my mood fluctuates so much. Not good. Maybe it's just a bad day.

Okay just had supper w shanshan and I think wednesday is looking better. Hahaha. Hope God leads us to an interesting campsite tomorrow. Benny Ho's seminar tomorrow too! I'm excited (:

Saturday, August 12, 2006

cheese*

Yay! First week of school is gone and I'm home for the weekend (:

And seems that I have a certain interesting character on my tagboard. hmmm. Very interesting indeed. But thanks to everyone who sort of defended me. I'm glad to know that there are people who appreciate. Was a tad angry at first at the comments, but after a round of thinking through, didn't feel much for it already. Occurs to me that I don't care what others feel, God's thoughts matter most to me than anything.
So yeah, I'm good. (:

Wanted to think of something super interesting to blog about, but seems that interesting is really not in my dictionary right now. Life is not mundance neither is it spectacularly engaging. I mean if I would to put in normal terms, like that lo!
Just that school has been slack cause tutorials and lab haven't started. But I am already like falling asleeep in lectures. Bad start. I miss michelle! At least I didn't SNORE like the guy behind me in Math Lect. Think his snores woke me up or something.

Brings me to my next point, university life is all about independency and discipline(okay fine, like who don't know!). I don't know like 99.9% of the people in lecture hall. Everyone seems to be preoccupied with something. Chiteng's timetable and mine clash like morning and night, so couldn't really meet up during school. Felt REALLY alone most of the time. Last time in NJ, my whole class will move from one venue to the other and I felt really comfortable being in the group. Now is really no one will bother about you. You can skip lecture for all you want. Michelle will drag/pull/coax me to lectures when I feel like escaping to the library for a nap. BOOHOO WHERE IS MY MICHELLE :(

Do you like being alone? I like but not during lesson when I really need someone by my side to watch over me. This induces my next point again. I am really learning not to be such a 'spoilt brat' as MANY people like to put it(I really don't know why!). Eh actually I do feel that I am not, just that I can't do certain things well and thus better for others to do it for me only. HAHAHA. Someone in canoe polo just told me I AM THE SPOILT BRAT. Damn. It's like those times in NJ canoeing, where the 11 of them will insist I am THE SPOILT BRAT, while allocating better roles to the rest of the team. I feel victimised. Hahaha. But well, spoilt brat means entitled to ALOT of things right? If it meant that can whine and demand then I don't mind the label. muahaha.

Oh and what's the joke about team-MAID? teammate or teamMAID? Hahahaha. Very interesting. Okay despite uni life being cold and hard, glad that God made arrangements for me in such a way that I am really well taken care of. Got chiteng and peishan they all. Joanne and huimin. Glad to know that there are people around for me. Though peishan likes to be alone, or like to be kidnapped by *ahem* someone else(made me SO worried okay!), I think she got no choice but to entertain me. Hahaha. We can take funny photo with my macbook. *grins*

Escape a little today. It sure felt good. (:

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Alright, so school started.


Everything has been so fine so far I guess. Hall 4 is relatively near to where I need to be. Walked to my lecture hall from hall 4 that day. Took me 17mins and a lot of perspiration to reach the lecture hall. Haha. Think I will opt for the shuttle bus or 179 the next time. Lectures have been normal. Math, Physics and Chemistry look like familiar grounds. I actually forgot all my integration formulae. Bah. Attended my Econs lecture and I paid FULL attention right from the start to the end okay. Because I have never touched Econs before, I didnt want to go in and die lol.

Hall life has been pretty alright I guessed. People we met, so far so good. Was quite happy to see huizi serena and peiting. Though they are in hall 14. But i guess some things never changes. (: Sigh, I see no girls I know in the engineering fac la. How tragic is that you tell me! I think I will put on some weight soon because of all the supper.

Last night was an interesting night. Haha. Got peishan(hah (: ). Played drinking games with the canoe polo peeps. Turned out somebody got QUITE high. A super funny sight to behold. But felt a bit bad for making elaine drink so much. It was good fun nonetheless. Lots of laughters. Makes me wonder if drinking games are made to be like this. No matter the company, no matter the game, always manage to get the crowd on a high.

So school is good. Thank God for that alot alot.


Cell on sunday was a abit heartbreaking for me. I had to scold the kids. Cause our captain ball games turned a bit nasty and I was very angry and sad. Explained to them what playing games together is about. Was quite solemn for a while. Think it affected everybody's mood. Made me quite guilty but I just wanted them to treat each other with love and respect. Had to have a little pep talk with two of them after cell. Hope they understood what I was trying to say. Hope they know that all of them are very important to me. Hope such things won't happen again.




oh oh oh! I love my macbook more and more now. hahaha.



Be okay, okay? *(:

Friday, August 04, 2006

Hm got a little inspiration from cindy's blog. Decided to copy hers, but of course, at my discretion.

There are always endless things I can go on about my team. Nobody understands why except the 12 of us. People asked me: 'Why do you always say you love your team!? 12 of you leh are you sure you love each and every single one of them?'

Yes I do.

No no, in fact, VERY MUCH.

You see, I cant put my fingers on why the 11 of them are so darn special to me. You have to be in it to understand it. Maybe other people felt left out when I talk about MY team. But I don't care, I am really happy just talking about them.

We can't always meet up. Our once a month team outing may seems like an already very satisfactory effort. However it is nothing compared to our days in NJ. When we see/meet each other every morning for morning training, every lunch(sometimes) for self training and every evening for water training. I think it did came to a time when we were just so familiar/used to one another that seeing each other is just like breathing. It is a habit that we do unknowingly and yet essentially.

How can you dispute a relationship that you invest more time in than your other friends and family?

Yet anyway, let's talk about these 11 God sent angels. Point to note, I do find it weird picturing peishan with a halo and wings. And Xintian better count her blessing that we are actually using the word 'angel' on her. Because it would be weird if an angel is as mischievous as that girl. And Jasmin an angel? Hmmm, well sometimes la. Let's give her some credits when she is sane(which is hardly actually). (:

The 11 of them to me..(try guessing who is who okay!)





The one who:

1. Copys my lecture notes for me when I was so tired that I fell asleep throughout the one hour lecture and has believed in me much more than I had believed in myself
2. I can hold a conversation with her about God and whom I know believe in our Saviour as much as I do.
3. Is my canoe table Khaki(is it spelt like that?) and whom I see everytime I have a free period.
4. Eats in a very untidy manner but encourages me with jellybeans from Candy Empire when I was down and needed some assuring hands.
5. Is my short-lived k2 partner and we always laugh at the high seats for being low in an attempt to convince ourselves that we are QUITE stable.
6. Is my another short-lived k2 partner who took A LOT of shit from me positively and has always been trusting the good in everything I do.
7. Has been picking up patiently after me everytime I flared up, willingly cleaning my accelerade bottles, folding my clothes nicely and being available for late night chats.
8. Has been there for me through the darkest period of my life, feeling and sharing my pain, assuring me with just a look and pulling me up from the dumps.
9. I spent time with after training because we go home together, she who always listen to me talk about anything and she who cared for others with sincerity.
10. I spent A LOT of time with, going out, doing stupid things, stayovers, quarrelling, bullying each other and yet she is still so important to me.
11. I like to talk to because she is so sensible, don't spent a lot of time together, but have always respected her in whatever she did.


Okay okay can you guys guess who is who? Because I had a little bit of problem trying to guess who is who in cindy's blog. Eh you all guess leh. Guess already try to answer me in my tagboard! Then I will see who knows what she is......

HAHAHA. (:

I think that every opportunity/situation God leads me into, is a good learning experience.

And I like/look forward to learning issues from Him because He always opens up a whole new dimension of perspections for me. It's interesting, it's educating.




Anyways, first night in hall is great. Talked a little to people. Ha, tried to make new friends with our neighbours who were rather friendly(thank God). Then went over to hall 5 to find peishan's friends. Played some games, rather fun and entertaining. Went back to sleep. Couldnt fell asleep at first, cause felt super hot. But had a rather good night sleep after that. Heheh, maybe I wouldnt need the 65 bucks fan at all(I hope).

I still like my bed alot. Though my comforter is very comfortable(joanne!oh my), nothing beats sleeping in an air con room! And cable tv... and a proper PC with (sometimes)proper internet connection. Not to speak about my darling doggie that was so thrilled to see me coming back home just now.

Make a choice, strike a balance. I'm beginning to like what I'm doing. Heheh.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I do find it weird that people react strongly to my msn nick.
Wonder how many times must I say that it is due to some lyrics and nothing to do with what i'm going through.
But it's alright, the responses really amuse me.
Check this out:

friend:how r u?
me: fine lo.
friend: ur nick says u r not fine leh
me: ehh...
friend: got prob with this guy ah?
friend: get on with life hor
me: .... it's part of the lyrics of a song. -_-''


That is ultra funny. Got problem with this guy? WHAT GUY! hahahahah. But thanks for the concern, I do see where you are coming from. But I am really normal. heheheh. =p

When we were starting out, you believed in me without a doubt
You were the finest thing to happen to someone like me
It's so much harder now, I wanna try and tell you how
There is so much love in me, even though it's hard to see

You left me here beside myself
Left me with all the reasons why I was wrong for you

-Firewater, Yellowcard

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

many many loves; my source of strength.


And I love to do rolls now. HAHAHA (: